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what is wrong with me?

for the past decade, i’m 23, i’ve had this feeling that “i’m gonna take over” i’m gonna show all those people that i’m good enough. i’m gonna will myself through everything and achieve my dreams. I always had this nagging feeling that i’m missing something, like i’m missing the last piece to my puzzle which will allow me to “take over” totally control myself, achieve my goals and dreams and be eternally happy, like learning the secret to eternal happiness and nothing will bother me ever again. The perfect example is you know those zen masters who have realized enlightenment after hearing a sentence from their master, or a bird chirp, or the waterfall, and they are never the same again? Well i feel exactly like that, i feel like a pear that’s been hanging on the tree ripe for 10 years, and i’m just waiting to fall i’m ready for “something to happen” that’ll dramatically change me for the better; i’m waiting for me to wake up, that’s what i mean. I’ve read some eastern spiritual books, but mostly i can’t stablize my mind. I can’t sit down and really do anything(except surfing the internet or watch movies, and play games), because i know i’m just missing this one last peace that’ll set me free like the zen masters. You know that saying about one fish asking another fish has he ever seen water, or what water is. Its like the perfect way to describe my mental condition day in and day out, like i’m so darn close, like i know its right in front of me, but i still can’t see it. I know its so simple and so this and so that, but i still can’t see it.
I’ve always wanted to give up on this search, but on the other hand I sort of pride myself for fighting the ultimate fight and being a “true believer” like never give up. But i don’t know how much of this i can take i need to get on with my life. But this pear on tree/fish in water/last missing puzzle piece feeling is so great that it pushes everything else in my life beneath it and just takes over almost like a junkie searching for his next high, except i’ve never used any drugs of any kind. A little bit about my background, i came to the states from a foreign country when i was 8, and have been bullied in my younger years, even once when i was 18. I have alot of trapped anger and “quick temper”(sort of)(probablly from the bullying), I’m not crazy or insane even though my rambling writing and diction may indicate so. i’m not bipolar or adhd and i don’t believe in medication. What i need is some sincere help and advice. Please help, please, thanks.(pls don’t say anything about medication, god, just relax)

3 COMMENTS

  1. I think this feeling happens in many people. People who are seekers tend to have this insatiable desire to find the “one thing” that will complete them. Unfortunately people look for these things in very superficial outlets (drugs, other people, alcohol, material things, money, etc)
    Honestly, I don’t think there is one thing that will complete the puzzle or change your life. I think it’s more of a collective appreciation of the positive qualities you have and how you can use those to excel. No one can define what success may mean for you; you must pursue your dreams and goals. If you keep searching for the “answer” I think you will just exhaust yourself. There are things in our lives that cannot be answered…and this may be one of them.
    Find what is your source of joy, even if it is small. Seek this out instead; because this will be the outlet that may fulfill you. Because our world is relatively broken, we can never be truly elated at all times. (my opinion anyway) so we hold onto the things we love and things that bring us joy and we carry those with us.
    You sound very intelligent by the way. I think great things are waiting for you.

  2. The way to finally ‘get yourself’ is to forget about finding it. That’s what I figured out. You say, ‘this search is going nowhere, i will just live my life’. And you will live your life and take with it what comes and goes. And when you are old or dying and your life flashes before your eyes, you want it to be good, something that will bring the tears of how well you had your life. THAT my friend is when you ‘get yourself’. I hope that makes sense. =]

  3. Maybe it’s the “trapped anger” that has been kept inside of you for so long. You might have been watching too much movies which influences your thinking. Try to control your own thoughts and actions. Try to ask yourself “What do I really want?” And about all the zen master things that you talked about, it seemed too unrealistic to me. This is reality, nobody can keep you from doing what you really wanted to do. They can try to stop you but it’s really up to you in the end. Don’t pressure into doing what you don’t want to do. Be yourself, be natural, there is nothing wrong with you.

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