so here it goes.
1. When I was 14 , in 10th grade – I had decided that I will study hard, work hard, get good grades, and become a DOCTOR or Lawyer or Charter Accountant or something amazing.
here is the secret – I think being a male my biggest weaknesses are and will always be females ….now only problem is …. I don’t have one in my life – being 27 (after 13 years ) – i started watching porn when I was like 15ishh…..
I had promised my self when I was 16 – that …..I will not waste too much time watching TV – but I still did and doing for last 10 years.
I promised that I won’t waste time on INternet – 12 YEARS i still do waste my time.
I promised that I will socialize more and make more friends – 12 years i still am hanging out with almost same ppl …but i have to say …these friends i am hanging out with are great great ppl ….its just that i have only made 2 friends from my COLLEGE years (4 years of college only 2 good friends …no other significant contacts)
I promised that I will go to GYM everyday – I have yet to start going to GYM its been 12 yearssss
I promsied that i will stop watching porn and stop being LAZY (for me watching porn and being LAZY goes togetheer ….so it is pretty bad)
I dreamed that i will have a good job and family, friends and good confidence level …. i do have a decent job …not a great one but ok one – good friends – family – well i have parents ….but no other significant gfs/ spouces …. no confidence – at least not enough to FIGHT through OBSTACLEs.
I promised that I will get a girlfriend ….. (1st one that asked me out wasn’t so good looking and even though I still went out with her ..it didn’t work out ….my next two girlfriends ….LITERALLy took my heart in their hands and STEPPED on it till its broken into 1000 pieces ….. NONE OF MY RELATIONSHIPs has LASTED MORE THAN 6 -8 MONTHs ….. is there something wrong here ? )
– I am a spiritual person – and i always wanted to follow SPIRITUAL rules …but deep down inside …i have a very crazy desperate desires for LUST and EGO. I am told sometimes that I am a bit CLINGY – this is very HARD for me to accept – even though i am told that MULTIPLE tiems …that I am always “DESPERATE” for something- although I have learned my lessons …. I guess I still have long way to go. I tend to keep going back to Pornography and Strip clubs to fulfill / ESCAPE my desiressss …… .. .
– I went to high school in other country and did my college in US and through out my college life …I always wanted to go out with girls, have fun and be more confident. – I rarely went out with girls , i don’t think my college life was fun (partially due to contradictory thinking – me being very spiritual and very porn-lust addicted person) and last I dont’ think I have the confidence to LIVE A LIFE.
– I have done many good things ….I have been a great son, good friend, and decent person- BUT ITS JUST NOT ENOUGH …. its not FULFILLING or satisfying ….I did it becuz the expectations were SKY HIGH but my actions and results were very BELOW average.
– I NEVER GOT THE grades that I wanted and had to cancel the plans for going for MS programs ..I never made up my mind about WHAT i WANTED to do in CAREER ….cuz …I just “ENDED UP” in a career ….. I HAVE A GREAT JOB but for some reason I can’t FOCUS on my work that I have to do ….. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG ???????????
– I do not know what my DREAMS are . – I KEEP thinking that if I have “GOOD ROUTINE” – I will be happy …..by good routine i mean – having a exerceise schedule, having a good meals, having decent SOCIAL life , etc.
– I know there MAY NOT BE such thing as starting OVER but …can i stil START OVER ???
Please help me out …
There has to be a reason why some girls here will never go out with me … am I right ?? and I would really highly appreciate their comments ….why and why not ?
I never overabused alcohol, or drank or smoke …..but I feel that I have done something or live a life that is definately not worth being PROUDE of …… i am not shameful but I am def. not PROUD because I could have achieved lot more …and done lot more and at 27 even with good job and good group of friends ….i feel something BIG is missing ….
if I was going uphill i would be fine …but I just can’t stop myself from going down hill. ….something has to change …. for me to figure out where am I and where do i need to go …
please help me with ur thoughts …………..SORRY FOR SUCH LOOOOONG message .
What in the world is going on ? What am I doing ? Why am I like this?