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What in the world is going on ? What am I doing ? Why am I like this?

Hi friends,
so here it goes.
1. When I was 14 , in 10th grade – I had decided that I will study hard, work hard, get good grades, and become a DOCTOR or Lawyer or Charter Accountant or something amazing.
here is the secret – I think being a male my biggest weaknesses are and will always be females ….now only problem is …. I don’t have one in my life – being 27 (after 13 years ) – i started watching porn when I was like 15ishh…..
I had promised my self when I was 16 – that …..I will not waste too much time watching TV – but I still did and doing for last 10 years.
I promised that I won’t waste time on INternet – 12 YEARS i still do waste my time.
I promised that I will socialize more and make more friends – 12 years i still am hanging out with almost same ppl …but i have to say …these friends i am hanging out with are great great ppl ….its just that i have only made 2 friends from my COLLEGE years (4 years of college only 2 good friends …no other significant contacts)
I promised that I will go to GYM everyday – I have yet to start going to GYM its been 12 yearssss
I promsied that i will stop watching porn and stop being LAZY (for me watching porn and being LAZY goes togetheer ….so it is pretty bad)
I dreamed that i will have a good job and family, friends and good confidence level …. i do have a decent job …not a great one but ok one – good friends – family – well i have parents ….but no other significant gfs/ spouces …. no confidence – at least not enough to FIGHT through OBSTACLEs.
I promised that I will get a girlfriend ….. (1st one that asked me out wasn’t so good looking and even though I still went out with her ..it didn’t work out ….my next two girlfriends ….LITERALLy took my heart in their hands and STEPPED on it till its broken into 1000 pieces ….. NONE OF MY RELATIONSHIPs has LASTED MORE THAN 6 -8 MONTHs ….. is there something wrong here ? )
– I am a spiritual person – and i always wanted to follow SPIRITUAL rules …but deep down inside …i have a very crazy desperate desires for LUST and EGO. I am told sometimes that I am a bit CLINGY – this is very HARD for me to accept – even though i am told that MULTIPLE tiems …that I am always “DESPERATE” for something- although I have learned my lessons …. I guess I still have long way to go. I tend to keep going back to Pornography and Strip clubs to fulfill / ESCAPE my desiressss …… .. .
– I went to high school in other country and did my college in US and through out my college life …I always wanted to go out with girls, have fun and be more confident. – I rarely went out with girls , i don’t think my college life was fun (partially due to contradictory thinking – me being very spiritual and very porn-lust addicted person) and last I dont’ think I have the confidence to LIVE A LIFE.
– I have done many good things ….I have been a great son, good friend, and decent person- BUT ITS JUST NOT ENOUGH …. its not FULFILLING or satisfying ….I did it becuz the expectations were SKY HIGH but my actions and results were very BELOW average.
– I NEVER GOT THE grades that I wanted and had to cancel the plans for going for MS programs ..I never made up my mind about WHAT i WANTED to do in CAREER ….cuz …I just “ENDED UP” in a career ….. I HAVE A GREAT JOB but for some reason I can’t FOCUS on my work that I have to do ….. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG ???????????
– I do not know what my DREAMS are . – I KEEP thinking that if I have “GOOD ROUTINE” – I will be happy …..by good routine i mean – having a exerceise schedule, having a good meals, having decent SOCIAL life , etc.
– I know there MAY NOT BE such thing as starting OVER but …can i stil START OVER ???
Please help me out …
There has to be a reason why some girls here will never go out with me … am I right ?? and I would really highly appreciate their comments ….why and why not ?
I never overabused alcohol, or drank or smoke …..but I feel that I have done something or live a life that is definately not worth being PROUDE of …… i am not shameful but I am def. not PROUD because I could have achieved lot more …and done lot more and at 27 even with good job and good group of friends ….i feel something BIG is missing ….
if I was going uphill i would be fine …but I just can’t stop myself from going down hill. ….something has to change …. for me to figure out where am I and where do i need to go …
please help me with ur thoughts …………..SORRY FOR SUCH LOOOOONG message .

5 COMMENTS

  1. It sounds to me like you know what the problems are, and that’s an important first step. From here you need to redefine your goals and follow these three simple rules; realistic, measurable, and within a set time. Once you set your goal you need to find your path, it sounds to me like some professional counseling would be very helpful for you. You can either go to a licensed clinical psychologist, or licensed clinical social worker, both are great resources and very helpful. Your therapist will help you find what went wrong and how you can change it, but only if you are willing to follow through. I wish you the best of luck.

  2. set youself small achievable goals. learn to sum things up with precision, your post is way too long. quit the porn, its just seedy.

  3. You need to change your habits that’s all. When you go out with your friends I’d bet it is pretty predictable what you will do or where you go. Just do something different meet new people, try not to be clingy. Do something that interest you. Have confidence (women love a fella with confidence) I’m not saying be cocky though. Most of your problem seems to be that you want to fall in love with someone. It is great I know I have been there but even though I never thought it would happen to me my wife screwed around and divorced me. Even though you want to fall in love you don’t need to. And it could lead to heartbreak years down the road anyway so make your self happy and do what makes you feel good.

  4. First of all, you need to get over yourself. Forget whatever goals others set for you and make a list of all the things you have accomplished. You have good friends (some people have none), you have a great job (lots of people are jobless), and you only have a couple of things holding you back from a happier life. Those two things are 1) your focus on yourself and your self criticism and 2) a reliance on the computer for too much of your social life instead of on real people.
    The best thing you could do for yourself is to limit your computer time, regardless of what you’re doing on the computer. If you get involved with any kind of volunteer work, a sport, a book club or anything where you’re interacting with others then you will start focusing less on yourself and meet more people. The more you do things like this, the less “clingy” you’ll be. You’re probably clingy now because you’re so starved for personal relationships whether they’re romantic or not.
    Instead of beating yourself for not going to the gym, having a girlfriend etc. etc. etc., just focus on this one thing of cutting down to no more than 2 hours of personal computer time a day. If you can’t do that, your life won’t change, will it? But, it’s only one thing and not the long list you worry about now. If you change that one thing, the other things will follow and sort themselves out. Good luck!! : /

  5. You seem to have these HUGE goals, and you want to fulfill them. Maybe you just to be more practical. Take your goals one step at a time. What I mean is like that if you want to go to the gym, get something to make going to the gym fun. Focus on one of your goals and once that becomes routine, find something else that you can work on such as meeting someone new at work and occupy with studying if you still want to go to MS. If you find things you like or find things you don’t like (make those things enjoyable), and occupy your life, you won’t be so lazy and watching things like porn.

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