What do you think of this story?

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This was going to be part of something
It’s a short section of what was going to be a story I was writing
“Target in sight,” the pilot informed the task force, “Prepare to unload.” The pilot manoeuvred the chopper over the premises and brought it closer to the ground.
“Alright team, you know what to do, let’s move!” the Commander ordered his team. The team put their helmets on and readied their arms. Their helmets closed around the front of their heads and they lowered their visors down over their eyes, each one’s glowing red.
“Move out!” the commander instructed. Foot Soldiers fastened ropes onto the edge of the helicopter, and threw the loose end out, while other fastened their torches to their guns. They flicked them on before climbing out of the open door and sliding down to ground on the ropes. Each soldier, uniformly jumped off the rope when there was a metre or two between them and the ground.
“Merick!” the Commander’s voice came through the helmet radios, “Ready the device.” The other soldiers ran to the front entrance, two flanking it on each side while another took aim at its hinges. One soldier looked at his gun mounted Geiger and took a reading. It clicked violently as he moved it about.
“Five tangos inside,” he said through the radio, informing his team.
“Remember, we only want the brunette, no fatalities,” The Commander instructed his team. He turned to face Merick as he planted the device. It would inhibit any magical being’s aura, hindering their ability to perform magic. He set the device and gave his commander thumbs up. As he did this, another soldier shot the hinges of the door, to allow easy entry.
“Weapons free,” the Commander instructed. One of the soldiers flanking the door pushed it open allowing the team mates to run through the doorway. They ran in in an orderly fashion, the soldiers flanking the door first, then the Commander and finally Merick. The soldiers’ torches lit the way as they made their way down the corridors.
“This one,” Hans, the soldier with the Geiger, told the squad as he came to a door.
“Hans! Merick! On me,” The Commander barked, approaching the door. The two soldiers came to him, “Rest of you fan out!”
“Open and detain,” The Commander told Hans and Merick once everyone else had left. The Commander counted down from three on his fingers so his two Foot Soldiers could see. With a strong swing of his foot, the exoskeleton of the suit enhancing his strength, he kicked the door clean off its hinges.
“FREEZE!” the Commander yelled at the scared children in the room. A girl cowered down, whimpering and squatting on the floor. The other children didn’t dare move, they stared, too scared to speak, at the Commander, the TRASK icon emblazoned across his hoodie. His jetpack was on his back; its two lights alternating slowly, the single one on his back blinking slower. Hans and Merick flanked his sides, dressed in the same clothes and with the same gun-mounted torches their leader had. The cowering girl bit her lip, her tearful eyes darting from place to place. The soldiers scanned the room before setting their eyes on their target, she stood stock-still, not moving a muscle.
The commander turned his firearm on her and she found herself staring down the cold, steel barrel of his firearm.
What do you think?
I think it could be better myself

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Not reading it, just thought i clicked on your because your Mclovin xD


I think it’s pretty good. Maybe space out the paragraphs just a little. I wonder what happens next. Keep it up.


I think you are right – it could be better. What you should do is print it off and read it out loud or get someone to read it to you.
The storyline is fine but you tend to repeat words too close to one another, e.g. “All right team you know what to do let’s move,” The Commander ordered his team.’ You didn’t have to have “his team” at the end. You then start the next sentence with; ‘The team put their helmets on.’ Stop repeating the word ‘team.’ You do this a number of times with the word ‘instructed’ too.
You seem to explain some things in too much detail and then introduce something without explanation e.g. ‘Five Tangos inside.’ Tango is the phonetic alphabet for the letter T but you give no hint of what the soldier is referring to.
When writing a story you know what you want to say and what you mean and the tendency is to think that anyone reading it would automatically know but that is not the case.
The story is fast paced and it has flow but you do need to edit it. If you read it out loud you will read what you have written and not what you think you have written and you will hear the things that need to be changed. Good luck with and I have to say I do want to know what happens next.


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