Home Discussion Forum What Do You Think Of My Story So Far?

What Do You Think Of My Story So Far?

Entry One.
The day we met it rained. It came down in sad, gushing torrents.
The slippery grass crushed under my foot. I could smell leaf mould, the spirit of the earth. I felt droplets of rain trickle down my chin and between my breasts like tears.
I saw him then.
My waist length flame hair served as a sodden cloak around my otherwise naked body.
He was caught in the half light like a startled animal. His skin was shock pale. His eyes were as green as an under-ripe plum.
It was the most beautiful sight I ever saw.
Entry Two
I awoke to a mushroom dampness. How could of I fallen asleep on the grass lawn in the heady purple drizzle?
The late spring warmth had ensnared its talons around my ankles like weeds pulling me to the ground.
They had given me the sleeping pill.
They had found me soon after the man had walked passed and I had fallen to the ground.
I knew it was the wrong thing to do even while I was doing it, but I needed to escape, to feel the fresh air, to look at the pale, honest face of the moon. To smile under the stars, to feel the rough of tree bark.
My room is dim, stuffy. Paint peels off the walls. It smells faintly of other bodies. It is sparse and bare and the whole prison-plainness of it made me want to scream.
I am not mad.
All it had to take was me walking in on father and our neighbour, the one that grew prize roses and whose face was as red as one. When I told my mother, I was professed as mad and now I’m here.
I remembered my father’s eyes, like two smudges of coal, staring, unfeeling as they took me away. I remember my mother’s pain-tightened lips, so tightened not one utter of protest could ever escape from her mouth.
I felt like a knife was turning in my heart with each breath.
Entry Three
I kept thinking about the man I saw. Suddenly I can’t stop, like a feverish obsession. He hadn’t uttered a word but I could conjure up his voice, as hauntingly heady as that evening.
I knew he was probably a visitor, and I longed to see him again.
I begin to wonder about his life.
I even wondered why he was so pale.
Soon, I wasn’t sure what was real and what I had created in my mind.
My head had no boundaries
I dreamt of my father. He was stood his back to me in a stiff grey suit. A third eye was growing out if his neck, and it was staring at me unblinkingly. I wanted to scream, but I had a big fat pill caught in my throat and was choking. I saw mother then, floating like an apparition in the garden. She was picking roses, the thorns tearing at her fingertips causing ruby-red globules of hot blood to poor from her. I wanted to scream at her to stop before she bled to death, but she dropped to the floor senseless, and the third eye seemed to smile.
Suddenly all I could see now was red roses, bugs crawling through the rotting petals, the thorns soaked in a dripping red blood that I seemed to be drowning in…

5 COMMENTS

  1. It’s really good. But I’m not sure about the nakedness, though. Good vocabulary and keeps the reader hooked. Apart from the first entry, I love the whole thing. Especially when the mother is in amidst the thorn bush, picking roses and bleeding to death. The third-eye works well and for some reason, whenever you write it, the words seem to be looking at you. It’s freaky but in a good way. If that book was on sale, I’d definitely buy it. In the fourth/forth entry I think you need to take the blindness away and give the reader some information as to what is happening. What’s her name..Where is she..That sort of thing.

  2. its good; but you need to give it more substance i.e. begin to introduce your characters etc. and work on your grammar a little though.
    it could be great though.

  3. I think your writing is good but I have no idea what this is going to be about… Romance? Madness? “Third eye” from the throat makes me thinks she is deluded.
    Opposed to some of the views, I think your opening image is striking, a naked young woman meeting or hallucinating a man. After this point we need to clearly know what is going on and where the story is heading. A bit of dialogue might also help, perhaps a conversation with the mother and a doctor while the young patient stares out of the room at the rain or something…
    You write quite lovely although I’d be wary of using so much flowery language in clumps. I had a tendency to do the same thing. Pepper it through your paragraphs and the natural beauty of your writing will shine through better, less in more.

  4. Print it off and read it aloud or get someone to read it to you. I know you are writing in the first person but you are using too many ‘I’s. You should really link some of the sentences together so that the amount of ‘I’s is greatly reduced.
    It’s a good idea but you need to polish it and when you read it aloud you will see what I mean. Keep at it though because it will shine through in the end. Good luck with it.

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