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What do you think–Is this original?

Now the memory faded away, and Lero replaced it. He spoke with a commanding voice.
“You must seek Benjamin Wolff IV, great in many grandson of Cecil Wolff the Goldheart.” with that, Lero turned to walk away.
“But wait!” cried Emmie. “Where can I find the others?! You haven’t told me where I can find the others!”
Lero turned his head. “When the sun goes down and the spirits howl, the Elementals will awaken and cross the sea, following the beaten path, the darkness following close behind and covering their footprints.” he raised his head so that he was once again looking down on her. “You may find the others if you are brave.”
With that, he looked towards the sky–and leapt, propelling himself powerfully forward, his haunches trailing behind the rest of his body and his paws leaving traces of glowing spiritual substance behind him.
Emmie gazed intently at the place he had disappeared. “The Last Dawn Spirit of Caliburthia.”
Looking down, she spotted a tattered, worn, and folded up piece of yellowed parchment. Staring curiously at it and not thinking that this piece of paper could be dangerous, she promptly bent down to retrieve it, hand outstretched.
Normally, one would not expect a piece of paper to do them any harm. It was a piece of paper, after all, not a dangerous nuclear weapon. But this ‘piece of paper’ was no ordinary piece of paper. It was a map. A map of what, you may ask? A magical map of Atlantis. And as soon as Emmie’s hand made contact with the map, she found herself falling…through a viciously dark and terrible chasm. Yelling at the top of her lungs in fear, Emmie thought that this was surely her end.
Alas, only two feet away and within her arm’s length, was the map. A sudden instinct burned within her, and she dived skillfully to fetch it. Her brown hair swirling about her, she opened the map–and all was dark once again.
YAY! Somebody thought I was an adult male!
I’m a thirteen year old girl with an awesome Michael Caine Profile Pic!

3 COMMENTS

  1. That does sound original, and gripping! I’d love to read how the next part goes, for that is a devilish place to cut off, dear sir. ;3
    Keep writing, because your prose is a good, firm style and very strong, and I wish you the best in your vocation!

  2. Hello,
    I am a thirteen year old girl who loves to write as well! 🙂
    I LOVED this excerpt from your story, I would read this in a heartbeat if I could. It’s clever, it’s captivating, and it gives you this inexplicable feeling while reading…anyways, very, very good!
    The one thing that I had to read twice was the last two paragraphs. At first they made no sense whatsoever to me, but upon reading them again, I comprehend it better now.
    The only thing I actually have to critique, though, is where you simply say “a magical map of Atlantis”. It seems as though the girl has not been acquainted with the map before, so I think it would be beneficial to describe more of what it looked like, even if you just wrote “an array of colorful lines ran along the weathered parchment” or something alike. Also, how would she already know that it was a magical map of Atlantis?
    Sorry for the criticism, but please keep writing!
    Best wishes! 🙂

  3. That’s really good. I would like to read more. 🙂 There’s one part I don’t really like though — “A map of what, you may ask? A magical map of Atlantis.” — It just sounds to amateur compared to the rest. In my opinion, I think it would be better without the first sentence, and maybe make the 2nd one sound more maybe mysterious. I don’t mean to offend, just help. 🙂 I do really like it though.

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