Reiki is a state-of-the-art medical technique in which patients are healed using rakes. It works by taking people’s minds off of their existing health problems and subjecting them to new ones. Reiki has proven to be an effective treatment for cancer, AIDS, and bed head–among other things. All other methods of medicine should be completely stopped whilst being treated by a Reiki practitioner.
New Age organizations such as the American Medical Association protest Reiki, claiming that experimental statistics were skewed by a database corrupted by cosmic rays. Reiki advocates (notably Popeye) argue that doctors are just pissed because they wasted all that time developing whizbang machines when a garden tool would have sufficed.
Levels of Reiki
Those who wish to practice Reiki must undergo rigorous training, studying under a master for ten years (or ten minutes, whichever comes first). Though some travel to Japan and undergo considerable expense to receive the training, most are certified via free classes at Home Depot. There are three levels of Reiki, each representing a greater degree of experience and potential for healing:
In Level One Reiki, the rake is merely hovered over the subject in a threatening manner. Patients report several subjective sensations, such as stress and fear. Naysayers attribute these results to the placebo effect.
In Level Two Reiki, the patient’s body is slowly raked over until there are visible welts. This doesn’t seem to do much, other than stop people from itching.
Practitioners of Level Three Reiki use the rake as a surgical instrument. The patient is cut open and then stuffed with leaves and lawn clippings. Though many report positive results, others scream really loudly and run away. No one knows why experiences vary so widely.