When I was 15, a deep depression sunk in. I became very suicidal. I also became a heavy marijuana abuser and sexual addict. Fast forward 7 years to now.
One day, I just decided to quit marijuana forever. 4 days later, I experienced nightmares and panic attacks, all about the nature of my own existence. I became terrified about reality. What is it? Why am I here? Do I even exist? How do I know I exist? How do I know reality is actually real? What is my soul? Why was I born?
I later learned that this was a spiritual crisis. On the 8th day of my sobriety, I cried out to God, “Please help me!” I didn’t necessarily believe in God at this point, but I had no choice anymore. I was experiencing the darkest existential horror. I cried out to Him and began working through my feelings.
It’s been a few days since then. I realized I had to explore spirituality, otherwise, my problems would not go away. But as I am reading about personal spirituality, I am growing very, very confused. My whole world has been turned upside down. I used to find comfort that I had money. What if I lost it? I used to find comfort that I had a family. What if I lost that too? I used to find comfort that I had a body in good health. But what about when I lose my body? And finally, I used to find comfort that I was alive and I existed, but what if I lose that?
Spirituality is relieving my worries, but a part of me is violently resisting it. It wants to go back to the earlier comforts. “I’m okay, I am a good guitar player”, or “It’s okay, I’m alive right now”. But when I use those crutches, I’ll simply never be able to come to true terms with my own death.
By the way, I haven’t had any delusions or hallucinations during this experience. It’s been the first 8 days of sober living since 4 years ago!
There was a period leading up to this spiritual crisis. I could not stop thinking about my death and my own existence. I just had to know. As soon as I quit running from my feelings (marijuana), EVERYTHING came out!
gabe, I am no longer hiding anymore. I am not afraid of sharing my story. Hiding my story only makes me feel worse.
Aren’t these panic attacks of yours also called withdrawal symptoms…
Um I think without the drugs you’re starting to think again and this is your way of thinking, if spirituality comforts you go ahead and embrace it. But there’s also something very enjoyable about living in the present and not thinking so much about your future as well.
You need a doctor. Anti psychotics will help this terror that you are experiencing. It seems as though the cannabis has infected your thinking. If you leave these symptoms unattended, then you could get much worse. I’m not too sure what you mean by spirituality. And I do not think it is a cure for someone with mental health like you, unless it is telling you to visit your doctor.
Keep fighting those inner demons and you will find strength. You are questioning things and that is good. When I became sober after years of cocaine, meth and marijuana and alcohol abuse I went through some tough times too. I cried out to God like you did and He gave me strength. You’ll be fine. Find a group of Believers that can help you stay strong. It’s nice having a camaraderie with people who know what you’re going through.
Everything that has happened to you in your life, has lead you precisely to one question, what is the purpose of my life? It is for this question that human life exists. We must ask it, find out the answer, and achieve it. When all three are done, one achieves an eternal and joyous existence. So, I congratulate you and wish you luck!
check out this link, I hope that it will help guide you towards a fear free life and eternal existence:
I admire you. You write well and you became a man. Its not easy….I cry out all the time- I have an alcohol problem and I don’t want to reach ‘rock bottom’ before God hears my pleas. If I were you I’d keep doing what you are doing. I heard a phrase one time years ago and I remembered it; If you don’t know how to pray, pray until you do.
I don’t have more wisdom than that, just do what you do and suffer through it. I’m sorry but you are going to have to find your own way….as God intened it. It makes you stronger, better, harder. If you want, add me to your contacts, email me and I’ll give you my number so that you can call….You can help me as I help you.
For the record, I’m not gay and I don’t want anything. I have kids and a family…..but like you, if I keep doing what I’m doing, I’ll lose it all.
Congratulations!!! Praise God!!! Continue to stand, ya need to get into The Word, read, and read some more, DAILY!!! The devil thought he had ya, but , now, your attempting to break free, and he doesn’t like that at all. “Steal, kill, and destroy” is what he does, and unfortunately, he does it well. I am part of a spiritual warfare team, do not panic, but, girl, ya got demons, and they have orders to drive ya “nuts”. My recommendation is you seek out a sound, biblical deliverance ministry, and walk through a deliverance. (It’s not like the movies,lol), but is serious stuff. When ya sin,you give legal right to the devil to mess with your life, and as long as you stay in that lifestyle, he leaves ya alone, your in his “pocket”, so to speak, Go before The Lord, and REPENT!! Not a word the preachers use today, it’s not very “seeker” friendly, and empties out the pews, which means, no money.Find a local small group, your local Bible book store should be able to help, and just start seeking out The Father for yourself.But ya NEED to read, and study for yourself, DO NOT depend on someone else to “feed” ya. That is how ya get the truth into your heart, and the “voices” will subside, and back off. Hang in there! The Lord is at your side!! Reach out to HIM!!!
Father God, I praise You for helping this lost child of Yours start back on the path to wholeness, and health. Thank You for giving her the strength to endure. Father, I ask that You now comfort her, and bring her peace, and assurance she does not walk alone, and guide her feet to the proper labor to continue to walk toward You, in love, compassion, and grace. Thank You Father, In Jesus Name. Amen
You’ve done good. At age 15 I also turned into a big sinner and started smoking that. But you beat me, you quit before I did. It was a couple more years for me. So congratulations. You went through a form of withdrawls. It’s playing games with your mind. You know you exist. I see your words, so I know it too. It’s a spiritual crisis that everyone should face to get right with God. You are facing reality. You are also learning to not love the world. 1 John 2:15-17 applies. God is working in you. The goodness of God leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). Now take the next step and sincerely turn to Jesus Christ so that you can become a born again Christian.
God can change you. But for most people, Jesus will not save them from going to hell. Matthew 7:13,14 proves that. But you, you can get saved today and I’m going to tell you how. Jesus said, “unless you repent you will all likewise perish.” That means you will perish in hell unless you repent from sin. To repent means you change your mind for better with abhorrence of your past sins. That’s a strong dislike of your sin. It’s much more than just feeling sorry for your sins. It also involves what you think about sin and what you intend to do about it. You must change.
When you turn to Jesus and repent from sin, then God will make you born again by the Holy Spirit. You’ll then have the power of God in your life to overcome the urge to sin. The Lord Jesus Christ, He will set you free from the slavery to sin. Yes, we are all slaves to something. We’re either slaves to sin or we’re slaves to God with obedience to Him. The Lord Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and “whom the Son sets free is free indeed.” Free means you’re no longer a slave to sin.
But if you don’t have that and Jesus Christ is not your Lord, then you will have the wrath of God (Romans 1:18). You’ll also have this: In flaming fire, taking vengeance on those who do not know God, and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. These shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of His power. If Jesus Christ is not your Lord, then He will burn you up with unquenchable fire. You will be cursed. I don’t want that for you. I want you to be blessed. Jesus said, “blessed are those who hear the word of God and keep it.” To keep it means to take care not to violate it.
He who sins is of the devil – 1 John 3:8. That’s talking about habitually sinful conduct. If you slip up and sin God will forgive you if you confess to Him and ask for forgiveness, because He is faithful and just to forgive you (1 John 1:9). But in order to rightfully claim that you must be doing the conditions found in 1 John 1. You can’t be walking in darkness practicing sin. You must be walking in the light practicing righteousness. You cannot confess to God those sins you are a slave to and get forgiveness. It does not work that way.
My favorite Scripture is this, Romans 6:22 – But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life. That means you do not have everlasting life at the end until you are set free from sin now while living a holy life. God, who “will render to each one according to his deeds.” eternal life to those who by patient continuance in doing good seek for glory, honor, and immortality; but to those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness – indignation and wrath, tribulation and anguish on every soul of man who does evil… but glory, honor, and peace to everyone who works what is good. For there is no partiality with God. For as many as have sinned without law these will also perish without law. That’s in Romans 2, and it means even though people may live their life ignorant of law and discipline by not caring to know what the Bible says is right and wrong, they will still perish in hell because of their sins. That’s why you need Jesus to change your life.
You turn to Jesus through prayer and by reading His word. Pray this: “Heavenly Father, I believe that Your Son, Jesus Christ, died for my sins and He arose from the dead. I ask You to forgive me of my sins, as I forgive those who sin against me. I will now and always confess with my mouth that Jesus Christ is my Lord. I ask You to have mercy on me and send me the Holy Spirit to teach me Your ways. Father God, change me so that I will not go to hell. O God, dwell within me through the Holy Spirit so that I have the strength to overcome the wicked one; and help me to please you by obeying Your word. Thank You, Father God, for Your help to give me eternal life in heaven, in the name of Jesus Christ, my Lord. Amen.”