S o I dropped out, In elementary school I was the peaceful nerdy one, I just liked to go home and play computer games, school was not bad though, and I had pretty good relations with everybody, but as I got older (like by 3rd grade) I didn’t really have any close friends, but everyone liked me, I figured I was like the halflings of dungeons and dragons, everybody’s second best friend and it was a role I took on proudly! I never really did work outside of school, because I could pass the tests and I understood the lessons so I didn’t really understand why we were doing it, it just seemed like busy work. It would always come up when report cards came around and I would say I just forgot, I forgot my homework. I hated the feeling of guilt but it was never enough to actually get me to do the work. Luckily I had a teacher, in elementary school who saw a poem I wrote and was dumbfounded by it, and by the end of the year he just let me sit in back of the class and write stories for most of the day, he was the best teacher I ever had, just for his sheer audacity, I mean, wow looking back he really taught me a powerful lesson, that things could change, and people out there do understand.
By the time I got to high school I was mostly the same, I realized life was just a joke and very much into spirituality taoism, zen, and the oneness of all things, as far as I was concerned school was just a time to meditate and practice kindness and be around interesting people, my grades were bad because I did no homework and even though I passed most tests and did well in class it brought my grades down a lot. I didn’t care though, I had gotten used to the cycle, i didn’t need praise. I just tried to live in the moment. I took a yoga class which I really enjoyed, and also began smoking weed, which I was convinced was the path to enlightenment. I first really understood meditation after I got high for the first time, and realized the world is not at all what we think of it in everyday reality, my concepts of life were shattered, I felt like I had seen God, and that all the spiritual ideas I had come across where making sense in a whole new light, it seemed like secretly everyone knew these things and that the universe was just a conspiracy to get back to this point, I was kind of suprised when I came down, I thought I would be there forever. But I certained gained a renewed since of confidence in my approach. Yoga also helped, I was lucky to have a school which offered this class, the teacher saw I was a good student and even taught some kundalini yoga to me, which I did later alone and ended up having an experience equal to when I first got high and even more so because no drugs were involved. I spent a lot of time walking around in nature, trying to clear my mind of thoughts, and just see things as they really are. Some amazing things happened and I learned to really be in the moment, I had no real worries then, it was the happiest time of my life, everything made sense to me.
Around this time I met a really good friend of mine, I began skipping school because I realized it just wasn’t for me, and wasnt neccesarily the only way and I would smoke weed with friends because we had a pretty big stoner community or go off alone and meditate, make art, play guitar or study zen koans. Zen always had a very big appeal to me, because the masters were so aloof and yet so alive seeming, they just seemed like great people in every aspect, I wanted to be like them. But yeah, the friend, he had very hippie-ish parents who smoked weed and used to trip, and we ended up spending a lot of time together, he showed me books about Don Juan and talked about shamanism and I decided maybe that was the way for me, it seemed to resonate in me ,even though I wasn’t exactly sure was a shaman was. The books were very interesting though.
Finally one day, another friend randomly gave me a call and asked me if I wanted to trip acid with him and I said YES. I had been smoking weed for about a year and I read so much about acid and the insights that it gave and the beautiful experiences people had I wanted to experience it for myself. So we took it and once again, my foundations were shattered. I lay in bed that night unable to sleep observing the world that I lived in, how it all was a reflection of me, I saw how the universe was created, and everything referenced back to a singular point. I realized that anything was possible then, and that I shouldn’t let fear hold me back. So the next day I arose with a totally new outlook. I felt as if reborn, I felt like I had reached enlightenment for real. I was ready to start living life in my own way, regardless of others opinions.
I told my parents I wanted to drop out but they said no, so I kept going to school. Finally there was a break, my parents were angry because of bad grades again, and they had caught me smoking weed and since they had no experience with it themselves over reacted hugely and were
Everything you said there resonates with me man. “how it all was a reflection of me, I saw how the universe was created, and everything referenced back to a singular point.” I have experienced these exact same ideas. They scare me to bits, but I feel like I have to find that singular point and somehow understand it and embrace it. I’ve had experiences with LSD that have shown me this, and now when I smoke weed it takes me back to that place. Reading your words brought the same feeling over me, but while I was in a completely sober state. I had to stop reading and leave the room, clear my head, and come back to it. It was like I was reading my own words. “I felt like I had seen God, and that all the spiritual ideas I had come across where making sense in a whole new light, it seemed like secretly everyone knew these things and that the universe was just a conspiracy to get back to this point”. I feel this too, but it seems so crazy. I keep telling myself that everything around me is more than myself and that it is delusional to think otherwise, but after what I’ve seen and experienced it feels hard to deny it. I will keep searching for the meaning. It’s just good to know somebody has seen what I have seen. Maybe we are one. Maybe we are all approaching the same point. I don’t know enough yet, and that’s why I’m searching. Good luck.
i don’t think any of us will ever be able to find the meaning of life on our own…..
we are only capable of little things……we can’t find something so great relying on ourselves….
YOU NEED GOD MY FRIEND.
He will make you see for the first time things you never thought existed…. Don’t use your own means in finding out why you still live to this day….OUR WAYS ARE FUTILE and they will always lead us to dead ends…..
please don’t give up on your life….
we only get to live once.