Hi everyone. This is my first question.
Every once in a while I’ll feel as if I’ve had a break through spiritually and I can understand more.
Sometimes I’ll get distracted by this and begin floating around in the magic of it, forgetting myself and others. Whenever this used to happen, I would float around until I had made enough mistakes that they came crashing down on me. Now I’ve begun to be able to control myself better.
This happened just now after closing a window. I clicked the X button and suddenly I felt as if I’d done something horribly wrong, spiritually… Of course, I’m not sure if closing the window had anything to do with it. What I do know is that this surge of energy scared me enough that my thoughts aligned and I could think clearly again. I learned that if I don’t know myself, I will still be lost even if I happen to receive auravision or whatever.
The special thing about this is that it couldn’t have happened another way. I truly couldn’t have controlled myself until I felt this. So then it is a good thing, and all is going as planned. Apparently this “shock” was the last bit of energy I needed to stay focused.
I have been truly trying to control my ego for a little while, and I can usually sense when it comes up. I’ve learned that selfishness is characterized by wishful thinking and that behind the ego is actually pain. Pain great enough that it causes us to forget others and ourselves. If you work towards the light, your pains dissolve and then you understand that part of yourself and of others. Pain becomes love and understanding.
But if you don’t seek to understand yourself or others, the pain piles up and you become more and more miserable.
I haven’t read any religious texts, and everything important I’ve learned has come from introspection and a strong will to become less confused. I am constantly changing, and people are always thinking I’ve stayed the same when I’ve actually grown a lot between visits.
I don’t need words of encouragement or words of warning, and I have always striven for independence and self-sustenance. It was only about a month ago that I realized that plotting out every possibility and every moral right and wrong was not necessary and that it was actually counter-productive.
My question is, how do you deal with the feeling that you could be really happy right now, but you know that if you forget yourself it will be pointless and you will be wasting energy that would otherwise go towards spiritual advancement? How do you control all the energy?