Discussion Forum

the response POEM tell me what you think?

Tiny orbs of mistrust
gather at the edge-
a slit, one of two in an observant center
too heavy to sustain they cascade from the orifice
plummetting to their death
in a resounding yet insignificant splash.

Hands outstretched toward the glowing ominous sky
tears intertwined with raindrops-brother and sister
fingers interlocked as a plea to God
thunder booming and lightning illustrating
The Response.

Acutely jumbled limbs too feeble to kneel
but willing in all devotion they stumble,
crooked and fumbling about on the
coarse peppered sand beneath him.
Shouting out into the night
his strained voice grows frail and weak-
indistinguishable amongst the rustling and swaying trees
he shouts louder still to be heard.

Holding his limp limbs close to his body,
rocking and swaying in the clearing of the trees
he whispers to himself a solitary prayer.

As dawn approaches, golden and glistening on the horizon
he is born again.

4 Comment threads
0 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
1 Comment authors
Mrs.Edward CullenBeach SaintHolla!!Nymphadora T Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Mrs.Edward Cullen
Guest
Mrs.Edward Cullen

kewl

Beach Saint
Guest
Beach Saint

I, too, wish you would have more
line breaks.

The edit above is a good beginning.

Otherwise, I think it is excellent.

Holla!!
Guest
Holla!!

Pretty good, but I think you should have more line breaks and shorter lines, For example:

Tiny orbs of mistrust
gather at the edge-
a slit, one of two
in an observant center
too heavy to sustain
they cascade from the orifice
plummetting to their death
in a resounding
yet insignificant
splash.

Very nice though!

Nymphadora T
Guest
Nymphadora T

Very In depth! I love it. You should sell it to a magazine!