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Start of my story, what do you think?

Start of a new story about a succubus and a vampire. It’s from the S point of view, and this is the start to introduce it. What do you think? Any advice would be great 🙂
“So, you’re like… the middle man?” he asked, confused.
It had just turned two in the morning and we were sitting on his bed. There were no chairs in his bedroom and I reluctantly sat down beside him, but as far away as possible. It was the only place we could talk, and I looked at him carefully. His hair was bleach blonde and gelled up with short spikes. He looked like he belonged to a boy band. He looked around fifteen but he seemed to know what he was talking about.
“In a way,” I told him. Short, polite, and to the point.
I gave him a few minutes to think, then giving a loud sigh to remind him I was still here.
The potential vampire looked at me.
“So, are you one? A βαμπίρ?”
“I’m sorry?” I asked at the strange murmur coming out of his mouth.
“Oh, it’s Greek for vampire.”
I laughed, looking away and rolling my eyes. “Since when do boys speak Greek?”
He turned red. “I’m not that young.”
“How old are you then?”
He paused, “fifteen.”
“Hmm.”
He lowered his head like a dog and cowered. Changing the subject I answered his previous question.
“No, I’m not a vampire.” He waited for me to go on. “I’m a succubus.”
“What’s that?”
“I feed of men.”
“Wow.”
I smiled, like I always did while seeing their reaction. Always the same but the shock was too… funny.
“So tell me something.”
“Phillip, we’re here to talk about you.”
“Wait, last question.”
I hesitated, giving in with a sigh. “Fine.”
“What’s your deal?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you doing this? Being the middle man? Or middle woman?”
“Believe it or not Nathan has a busy schedule. Nathan the vampire,” I added seeing his confusion. “I don’t like absorbing men’s life for my own needs. Not all of them anyway. This way the people who want to become vampires can, and the men can have one last shag before the do so. I don’t feel guilty as they’ve already decided to throw their life away. Like you.”
I couldn’t describe the look on his face, but it was like I pressed pause on him. His eyebrows were fused together in, confusion?
“So, will we?”
I smiled. “I don’t think so. I don’t think that you will become a vampire just yet.”
He stood up so he could look down on me, attempting to look intimidating. It didn’t work, I just stared up at him and still managed to overpower him.
“I will become a vampire. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t!”
“Because your too young. You are going to be living forever, as a fifteen year old. You won’t be able to drink, drive, get girls, or boys…”
“Hey.”
“Sorry. But you understand what I mean, don’t you?”
He sat back down. I sensed defeat. “Yeah.”
“Exactly.”
Just so you know i’m not being ‘inspired’ by Twilight! I don’t like it and this vampire story is completely different to it!

7 COMMENTS

  1. Too much dialogue, not enough description. Potential but not a good beginning. It doesn’t make me want to read more.

  2. “He looked like he belonged to a boy band. He looked around fifteen but he seemed to know what he was talking about”
    Try changing one “he looked”.
    I really liked this. Subucus is different, it’s a really interesting and I’d totally read this and I’m not just saying that to be nice. It sounds interesting and edgy. I really want to know how these two know each other now. 🙂
    Awesome!

  3. This is not a beginning of a story, it sounds like it belongs in the middle. I’m so confused, you need to tell us about the plot. Also it has a lot of dialogue. Not enough detail and that.

  4. It is nice! Although it looks more like a movie script than literature. You should be more descriptive, it helps forming images in one’s mind when reading.
    P.S.: an alternative greek word for vampire is ‘βρικόλακας’ probably derived from bulgarian ‘vÄ­rkolak’. ‘Βαμπίρ’ is just a transilteration for vampire; they look so alike.. someone whouldn’t ask “I’m sorry? what does this mean?”

  5. I like that is abotu a scucubus not many stories about that, one adult book i can think of that has too much sex lol and another by James Herbert too much sex
    buts that what incubus does
    anyway its good at first i actually got hooked but there too much dialogue for my liking and i dont like a lot of dialogue you need to fidn a balance between dialogue and descrption and action
    but please dont give up on it i enjoyed it for a bit just the dialogue bugged me
    you can improve no problem
    happy writing:)
    i like it i want to read more:)

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