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original poem, any critisism or suggestions for improvment?

Ocean Of Fate
My subconscious mind is not asleep
When I dream, to me, it speaks
Subliminal messages dwell deep inside
Thoughts of death by suicide
When I’m awake, I block it out
But when I’m asleep my heart cries out
“Say something please, tell someone now!”
But when I wake up, I don’t know how
I’m not my dad, I’m not like him
So I dive under water and start to swim
No matter how far I go, I can’t escape
For the water I’m in is the ocean of fate…

7 COMMENTS

  1. (sigh) That was beautiful . . . I especially like the first two verses, but the reveal in the last verse is great.
    The poem was very moving, beautifully written. I liked it very much. Thanks for sharing.

  2. on the second stanza.. “say something please, tell someone now” what exactly is your subconscious trying to get you to tell people? to commit suicide?
    and then you randomly mention your father.. does this mean that you want to commit suicide because of your father? i think the mentioning your father in the poem is a bit random..
    i also think that mentioning the ocean is random too.
    without your title the ocean would completely be random.. i would understand if there was a theme of the ocean going throughout the poem.. like having other references to water etc in your first stanza’s like “subliminal messages “trickle” inside” (notice that water “trickles” which add to an ocean theme)
    “When i “emerge”, I block it out” “emerge” refers to water which caters more to the theme.
    it seems as though your poem was created on a whim and not planned out until the last minute..
    i’m not saying that is a bad thing.. but i’m just telling you that i notice it.
    i think you should organize your thoughts better.
    i do like the imagery.. i do think there could be a bit more.. but what you have is alright.

  3. Very good! I’ve been reading poetry on y!a forever now, and it all sucks. Thank you for actualy writing poetry. Real poetry that flows, conveys a message, makes you think. I really enjoyed this piece. Kudos!

  4. don’t listen to Cheslie, she is over thinking it. i thought it was great, beautifully written. i know i have answered before but that Cheslie doesn’t know what she is talking about

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