Discussion Forum

original poem, any critisism or suggestions for improvment?

Ocean Of Fate
My subconscious mind is not asleep
When I dream, to me, it speaks
Subliminal messages dwell deep inside
Thoughts of death by suicide

When I’m awake, I block it out
But when I’m asleep my heart cries out
“Say something please, tell someone now!”
But when I wake up, I don’t know how

I’m not my dad, I’m not like him
So I dive under water and start to swim
No matter how far I go, I can’t escape
For the water I’m in is the ocean of fate…

7 Comment threads
0 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
1 Comment authors
Rhettlucas SKristen KNicolechelsie r Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Rhett
Guest
Rhett

don’t listen to Cheslie, she is over thinking it. i thought it was great, beautifully written. i know i have answered before but that Cheslie doesn’t know what she is talking about

lucas S
Guest
lucas S

I like it! The only criticism I can offer is that its kinda short. Keep working on it.

Kristen K
Guest
Kristen K

I really like it the way it is is like a dream within a dream sort of thing. Fantastic!

Nicole
Guest
Nicole

Very good! I’ve been reading poetry on y!a forever now, and it all sucks. Thank you for actualy writing poetry. Real poetry that flows, conveys a message, makes you think. I really enjoyed this piece. Kudos!

chelsie r
Guest
chelsie r

on the second stanza.. “say something please, tell someone now” what exactly is your subconscious trying to get you to tell people? to commit suicide? and then you randomly mention your father.. does this mean that you want to commit suicide because of your father? i think the mentioning your father in the poem is a bit random.. i also think that mentioning the ocean is random too. without your title the ocean would completely be random.. i would understand if there was a theme of the ocean going throughout the poem.. like having other references to water etc in… Read more »

Jan Lee
Guest
Jan Lee

(sigh) That was beautiful . . . I especially like the first two verses, but the reveal in the last verse is great.
The poem was very moving, beautifully written. I liked it very much. Thanks for sharing.

cody
Guest
cody

wow. i really actually like this. good job.
its sounds really heartfelt, like you really went though something.