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New rules for 2007: I know they a bit long but worth the read. ***if you like them***?

*New Rule*: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for *classmates.com*! There’s a
reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days–mowing my lawn.
*New Rule*: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless
you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
*New Rule*: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.
*New Rule*: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
*New Rule*: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
*New Rule*: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
*New Rule*: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is
now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.
*New Rule*: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge
asshole.
*New Rule*: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount,
deciding no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who
is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
*New Rule*: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t
make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not
spiritual. You’re just high.
*New Rule*: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What’s next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They’re already doing that.
It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”
*New Rule*: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms,
I’ll go nuts and eat two.
*New Rule*: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t
good enough to be a movie.
*New Rule*: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t
gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
*New Rule*: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
*New Rule*: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in
months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese.
And I didn’t really care in the first place.
*New Rule*: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, “Do
you want fries with that?”

13 COMMENTS

  1. Very good! Have a star.
    Here’s one…
    *New Rule*:Less than 1% of the population needs to be on the cell phone at any time. You act like you are having an important conversation when everyone knows you are wrapped up in a fantasy where you matter. Think I’m wrong? What were your last 3 calls about?

  2. *New Rule*: If you want to write something funny, make it your own material. There’s enough plagiarism on Comedy Central already.

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