Is loving someone, honoring their spirit, sometimes saying stop what you are doing?





Warning – this question is not what you think…
If you are not familiar with my dilemmas, or search for truth and honoring the spirit, you will find the question complicated and becoming shocking the further you read. Even those who have shared thought or care or wisdom may be.
I’ll tell you now, what has always floored those who love me, and those who have counseled me, is my resilience which is filled with light, and my ability for compassion and healing of many along the way. But here are two who do not seem to want to be healed, and they happen to be two I love….One by nature’s design – the other, I have no idea how we came find ourselves in love.
Warning for those who occasionally read my q’s or a’s, this is not like the usual, more like a couple really old personal putting it all out there…looking for the truth to light my way…
To tell another that they must stop what they are doing in relation to your self….
Not a very ego-less approach. Some would say no one is doing anything to you,
I say people do things in relation to you, unless you are a Buddhist with not many relations or relationships only on certain level. Most Buddhism doesn’t seem to work in sharing livelihood necessities to pay for food, shelter, whatever else your community demands that you have to be productive in making a living to then pay for the things your community expects you to have to make a living…ie car insurance…house insurance…gasoline…warm clothes, shoes….dishes…
Once these necessities are the shared responsibility of two people for their offspring it becomes a different thing to be non attached, and ego-less, and even in the responsibility of teaching the young how to eventually provide clothing for themselves, shelter for themselves, exist in the community…
If someone has fear and ego problems in the bonded relationship, and gets angry frequently, is not loving to say stop, or is it loving?
and if they don’t, what is loving ?
What is loving to someone who yells with rage that you have some character flaw, or spiritual illness that they have come up with off the top of their heads.
What if when asked not to yell or rage insults, they fly into another rage and yell more….
What is the loving thing to do…?
What if a day or hours later, they admit they were raging about a message they send themselves of self hatred. What if they say they will seek help for their corroded ego? What if they don’t .
What is loving, how to help someone heal ego, so that they feel free to let it go, how is one loving but not standing like a punching a bag for their self hatred?
How does someone lovingly remain bonded to this person through shared children, for ever, and not worsen their condition, even if separated, how does one hold their spirit in honor, and lift them up?
For if you reflect to them, even lovingly, gently, (or even with fortitude of standing up to deflect the hating rage -if being strong is the answer, this too failed), that they are suffering from self hatred, (as they have imagined that you dealing with life’s demands of feeding, cleaning etc. that you had said that they were bad, not good enough, worthless, when all you had indeed done is ask for more, with honor to what they already were doing -having even imagined hearing the words come from me when never they did, only ever asking of consideration) that this then feels that you are saying they are suffering a spiritual illness or character flaw… and this only hurts them, and then they are angry and turn it back out towards you…
How does one love this anger that will always come toward oneself, how does one love the one that says you are unlovable? That you have made up the rage, it isn’t happening, (you had to record it to be sure you weren’t imagining things as they had imagined your words, and after years of recording out of habit from his asking there be proof of what you have asked to stop – never was there a time you said attacking things, or the words he thought he heard you say, and the volume of his screaming is unmistakable…) and that if it is happening you caused it.
How does one love the one and, yet say “stop, remember, you say you hate yourself. you feel like you are a failure, this is why you angry -those were your words when you are calm,
this is why you must find something to be unlovable about me, You are lovable , even when you rage, I have not stopped loving you, you are not evil , or bad, you are lovable,”
yet still be telling them stop using you as the punching bag. What if when you say this with kindness and gentleness, they are still angry and say that you are lying and really think he is bad. What if you finally convince them you’re honest and true to them and love them. They are calmed but sad and morose. They stay depressed.
You try to bring them joy, cheer, warmth, and take care of all the details a
I am deleting this question in about 15 minutes, I just need to get to the lilbrary and print it off, this was more a processing and believe me it was a lot longer than what you see! LOL
How long before someone reports it and deletes before I get to? The race is on…!
Feels so easy when you say that Fireball…forgive the same thing every other week, sometimes days in a row, or once a week? The very same thing each time? For 13 years….a little challenging at times…
my mother called now it is going to be hours before I can get this thing off here.. a promise to help is a promise to help…
quick edit to the point –
I believe in the healing power of love, I believe my love will outlast his issues raging, but how? How far do I need to be? We are forever bonded, I think for me I have to have repetition end, it doesn’t tear me down or make me doubt his love for me like it once did, but it is so hard to stand in the storm and not reach out to extinguish the cause, heal the wound, but sometimes being asked to stop is the loving method? that just doesn’t work? or all the loving and forgiving in the world won’t heal a wound until he allows it..? Still then how do you stand in the storm week after week, year after year,….You’d think I just got used to it…but rage is intense when added new orginal condemnations are added, or lies are told to friends, and doctors, and he gets a little scary as to what he is capable of to insure I won’t walk away…. even in peace/ love this is to much for him to bare…besides, he would just rage occasional when he saw me, with the kids…
just fyi, until I do get to the library, the interesting thing is he usually controls it after some counseling, to after kids are alseep, or only on the phone, or they’re not home yet, mostly, but true, even a little is teaching, exposing them to …and they must sense…


  1. I agree with Isabelle and several others who have answered you. I think it’s very important that you read your words, and not just write them. The answer is in your own words.
    If you can, try to take some classes in writing. I think this would help you a great deal to sort out your thoughts, and you could put those writing skills into something tangible like short stories or books.

  2. Ok, then if you are quickly deleting this question I am only able to give you a quick answer. The difficulty arises because of this thing we call love, it causes a split within us and with those around us as we are willing to accept the so-called ‘good’ within them, but not what we anticipate is the bad or negative so the whole unified person can never be revealed or accepted.
    When we are not complete, or whole in ourselves there is very little possibility that we are able to help others on other than a very superficial level, because as the negativity begins to surface it will trigger us as well and then KBOOOOOMMMM and relationships such as a marriage or committed partnership are ideal for this to happen, so respond to every situation as truly to yourself as you possibly can and with as much awareness as you are able; remain quiet with awareness in those times where it is neccessary to do so and concentrate on your own spiritual development, because only when you are centred in yourself can you be truly free from the entanglements of others. Be Well xx

  3. And one day you might wonder, whether in the distant future or not, ” why did I write this post”.
    You are obviously really tremendously in love and you are looking for all kind of ways to justify his and your actions and especially your feelings which are obviously so strong that you still think that there is a bond.
    But is it two ways or one way only ?
    You might believe for the longest time that it is two ways. People dream..
    But one day, and it could be one month, 1 year, 10 years, you might feel like Sleeping Beauty waking up and all it was…..a dream..
    I am afraid for you that you are gradually losing your identity, your self-respect and might end up hating yourself : I am not good enough, if only I said this and that..etc.
    No love only does not cure it all.
    I bet you would be ready to die for this man.
    But I really hope that one day and I hope that it is sooner rather than later, you wake up out of that dream you created for yourself and see it for what it is : a lie.
    I am sure not judging you or anything of the sort. it is very sad but one cannot always control one’s emotions. We hang on, hang on, hang on, hope, hope , hope, believe, believe, believe……till one day we come to our senses.
    I am not sure of anything at all ..but before you delete your question : write it down somewhere please and later you might read it again and think : what a fool and delusional I was. And please do not consider my answer in anyway rude or whatever. it sure is not meant to be. Please see compassion and empathy rather ..not pity even !
    Please take care of yourself.

  4. I say this with the intention of helping….
    I don’t know you or anything about your life, but based just on your question here, I wonder if you use THINKING as a digression from the simple truth as a defense mechanism.
    Or perhaps, your mind is conditioned to run. You may want to train it to be quiet.
    Also, I wonder if you try to do to much and overplay your part. Sometimes, you have to let things change naturally.
    I’m not saying my statements are true. Perhaps you should consider what I have said, but not to hard and long. If your honest, you will probably find simple explanations.

  5. This type of behavior is obviously unexceptional and a critical reason there is a need to adopt a strong countermeasure against someone who harms you and yours, and if you let it pass, there is a danger of that person becoming habituated to extremely negative actions, which in the long run will cause that person’s own downfall and will be very destructive for those involved. This delusion is a kind of prison for you. restricting you to your personal desires and affection for a few people near to you. Most sadly the verbal, emotional abuse that you and your children are receiving has the ability to leave scars that will never heal. I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which in turn, must be achieved through the cultivation of altruism, of love and compassion, and elimination of ignorance, selfishness, and greed. This change will require an awareness on his part and it will be gift that will have to come from within him not from you. It will require a desire from him to be different and openly admit his wrongs before the changes are able to begin and as we know all to well growth is optional. The best of all for you on your journey.

  6. The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
    It doesn?t interest me what you do for a living.
    I want to know what you ache for
    and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart?s longing.
    It doesn?t interest me how old you are.
    I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
    for love
    for your dream
    for the adventure of being alive.
    It doesn?t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
    I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
    if you have been opened by life?s betrayals
    or have become shriveled and closed
    from fear of further pain.
    I want to know if you can sit with pain
    mine or your own
    without moving to hide it
    or fade it
    or fix it.
    I want to know if you can be with joy
    mine or your own
    if you can dance with wildness
    and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
    without cautioning us
    to be careful
    to be realistic
    to remember the limitations of being human.
    It doesn?t interest me if the story you are telling me
    is true.
    I want to know if you can
    disappoint another
    to be true to yourself.
    If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
    and not betray your own soul.
    If you can be faithless
    and therefore trustworthy.
    I want to know if you can see Beauty
    even when it is not pretty
    every day.
    And if you can source your own life
    from its presence.
    I want to know if you can live with failure
    yours and mine
    and still stand at the edge of the lake
    and shout to the silver of the full moon,
    It doesn?t interest me
    to know where you live or how much money you have.
    I want to know if you can get up
    after the night of grief and despair
    weary and bruised to the bone
    and do what needs to be done
    to feed the children.
    It doesn?t interest me who you know
    or how you came to be here.
    I want to know if you will stand
    in the center of the fire
    with me
    and not shrink back.
    It doesn?t interest me where or what or with whom
    you have studied.
    I want to know what sustains you
    from the inside
    when all else falls away.
    I want to know if you can be alone
    with yourself
    and if you truly like the company you keep
    in the empty moments.

  7. There are simply no answers to some of the questions. When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.
    No advice from my side just write whatever you want i will read it.

  8. As you know you cannot fix him…He has to be out of your protective circle. He can only be his own change and you can only be an example.
    The wisdom within you will cut through him as you are led to speak truths. Step back and allow him to find his own way through the Hurricane.

  9. (As I write this answer, I am threatened by the thought that you have deleted this question before I finish…lol)
    As they say, “All is fair in Love and War.” If I have read you correctly, what you are saying is that, your personal dignity and that of the other party seems to have been eroded due to the turbulent relationship that your marriage has become. And that, you are considering “to say stop, and if that will still be an act of loving?”
    It is apparent from your story that you and your partner are now, or shall we say, had been in a “rage war” for quite a time now. And is your “saying stop” a hint for a legal separation?
    I am not a legal counselor, but of things I know, your case has not come to a point yet that would merit separation. It might be patched up once the real combination of events are met. Your term, “punching bag” must be taken in the context of just a “word war” between you. I must assume, there are no incidents of physical assault as of yet?
    You know, the root cause of all these should be known or ascertained before an R?? could be administered. The worst case scenario, that is to separate, demands more anomalies between you and your partner before it could be considered an option. Normally, the court would asks if the husband had instances of concubinage, or adultery on the part of the wife (this is not, of course, to disparage your reputation, or that of your partner, this is only what the courts would normally ask of everyone). Then, had there been attempts upon the life of the spouses while initiated by the other. Or, if there is a failure or impossibilty on the part of any of the spouses to carry on with the responsibilities of a married life due to reasons of mental incapacity. There are cases where physical incapacity of the husband (you know what I mean) could be grounds for separation.
    But everything considered, you are lucky to have yet many things to prevent a “disconnect.” Rage, or no rage, the confrontation between you and your partner might be still considered a “communication.” So long as the lines are not severed, there is always hope for reconciliation. Your kids are a link that will prove quite strongly to bind you together in a responsive task.
    Sometime, somehow, you will find a way. You’re a strong and sensible woman, as I gathered from your narratives. Good Luck.

  10. you already know the answer.
    you already know what to do.
    i agree with you.
    you are processing and this is a good thing… may you be guided and healed… along with all the ones that you love. [dua’a]
    i had to take pause to read your question.
    good luck sister… and lots of love.

  11. Sorry that was all far to much to read.
    The only way to honor the spirit of your love is to allow it, its own space. Whether that is another person, hobby, or thing. If you don’t give it space you suffocate it to death.
    The biggest lessons to learn with a relationship is to leave each other be. It is not a competition, its an equal partnership. And that it is nobodies fault. 🙂
    Practicing Shaman… quantum physics rocks.

  12. First, no amount of love can change someone who is not ready to change. You hear others saying “people don’t change” but that’s not true, they change all the time. But they change when they are ready, not when we say they should.
    So what do you do? You walk away. If you love, honor, and respect yourself and your children you will not allow this behavior to continue in yours or their presence. Just say to him, “I love you, and if you want to continue to behave this way, it’s your choice, but I can no longer be subjected to it.”
    We may not be able to control others, but we can control our own actions. Staying with someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive is just sending them the signal that “it’s okay to punch me… I’m not going anywhere.”
    If you really love them, then you need to do what is best for them… that’s what we call “tough love.” The crappy part is that often “tough love” seems “tougher” on US than on the person we are trying to help.
    Where spirituality is concerned, walking away from an abusive situation with a heart full of love & forgiveness for your abuser is the ultimate show of unconditional love, and is also the sign of a highly enlightened being. Staying with an abusive person speaks of insecurities, fears, and dogma… so there you have it… make your choice.

  13. This is not an easy problem to solve on the level you are trying to solve it. No one else has knowledge of the person you speak of in this way. The trains of though required cannot be maintained in such a disconnected medium as this. There needs, there has to be, a treatment of this issue on a personal level. Counseling is probably in order. This other person must be made aware of the disconnect. In order to do this he must be met at the juncture of separation. To find this place, and then to be able to communicate the problems in a loving way are most likely far beyond the capabilities of even we, who speak through the telepathy of this medium, have, despite our desires to do so.
    If nothing else you have my empathy.

  14. too much of everything is bad ,. if u will love someone too much ,the results will make u irritated. i cannot write any more. i have read the title only . can u ask the same question in other words in two or three lines, i will really help u . if u r seriously needing help u can email me .i am struggling with same type of problem ,i think …. however i will have to read ur story for more than two times ,in a free time .please wait . i will try to solve it with my best. now i read ur problem, believe me , i m also searching for the power to fulfill my peace of mind . last year i got the success ,but do u know what happened? i got the power to make any difficult task easy, but i couldnot do anything for the person to which i love up to extreme . the reason was that i wanted 5 oranges [for example ] to end my thirst ,i searched hard but nobody helped me in providing just even the address of place where oranges are available, then i left the desire truly . as soon i left the desire , i got the garden where all type of fruits were available including thousands of oranges . and i was made the owner of that garden by an unknown power of nature [ god] . i got ashamed of myself that i was weeping for 5 oranges only . i further left that garden and allowed people to enjoy the fruits ,,,,,. i was on a away where a complete forest existed having many gardens of that type ,,,,. i was gifted that whole forest . i enjoyed the way ,i was getting more and more . that way was the sacrifice of desires from heart . i keep on loving sacrifice . soon i was the king of universe…. the god . do u know what happened next ……? i was no more a normal person, normal husband, normal son or normal businessman. all world was mine .i loved all world . but the world was not understanding me except some great personalities. i joined the family of those who were already on that stage . i was enlightened by and gifted with divine knowledge . i got amazing joyness which is beyond description . what happened next ……? i had to choose the desire of 5 oranges again for returning to the normal stage of mind and real life . that was a big tregidy ……!. what i was learned by this experience that i should not go so deep in anything .i should choose 5 oranges when i was having garden . i should not seek more than my deep desire ,although the way i could do was a legal way or easy beautiful way. my guru ji [ RAHI MOHINDER SINGH ]says ,EVEN TOO MUCH RECITING THE NAME OF GOD IS ALSO BAD . so keep on loving u love ,but remain alright.

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