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I'm attracted to another man! Can we be still be friends or should I run?

I’ve been married for 8 years and we have 3 beautiful young children together. It’s been a difficult couple of years with work/relocation/financial struggles, but we’ve been ok- we’re pretty solid and have grown together through the difficult times. I recently had to take a job part-time as a waitress and have become friends with a man I work with there. We enjoy each others company, but he knows my husband and has even been over to our home for dinner. I have recently found myself attracted to him – not necessarily in a sexual way, but in some underlying, subconscious, almost spiritual way. It’s hard to explain. It’s like I stand by him and I feel this energy- this connection. I don’t want to feel it- I can’t imagine cheating on my hubby and destroying him and our family. I won’t do it. I’ve been feeling a little lonely and vulnerable since our move- a bit of a “quarter-life crisis.” This man makes me feel like an individual person, not just a mommy/housewife. I feel interesting, alive, and happy when we talk. I have NO intention of any physical involvement with this man, but I have to ask…should I run?!? Is it ok to want to feel happy and like an autonomous person while I’m a married-with-children woman? Can I feel an attraction to him but not act on it? Can the love and commitment I’ve made to my family trump some fleeting, confused “feeling?” Help!!?!!
I don’t appreciate the statements about me not loving my husband or that I shouldn’t have married him or am “sinning.” Let me be clear- I am in love with my hubby, have NO intention of cheating or leaving him for this man or anyone who comes along. We were madly in love when we got married, and though the stress of finances and young children change the relationship, we are still very much committed to each other and our family. That’s why these out-of-left-field feelings seem so strange. I’m trying to sort out for myself how I feel about this friend and make sure I set appropriate boundaries with him despite this attraction/interest. Thanks for all your feedback though- I do truly appreciate it!

7 COMMENTS

  1. Let me get this straight.. you want to screw up your “solid” relationship for a man that works with you at a restaurant? Hmm… think about it. You married your husband, is having an affair really worth destroying your marriage, your childrens lives, and your own morals? Is it REALLY worth it? I hope not.

  2. Everything you are feeling is just plain, old-fashioned infatuation. Don’t turn it into anything more than that.
    Being attracted to other people happens, however, what you do (or don’t do about it) is key.
    Don’t dwell on your feelings. Even if you don’t sleep with this guy, your dwelling on it will certainly impact how you feel about your husband and family.
    I think you are better off not even being friends with this guy, I can see a full blown affair happening here.

  3. Run. You are on a slippery slope. Just because you can’t imagine cheating, doesn’t mean you won’t. One night, you’re talking, and suddenly he leans over and kisses you: You might say no, but you might say yes! If you’re not getting your needs met from your husband, you need to talk to your husband about it. It may not seem like a big problem, but if you can’t talk to your husband about your needs, that is a big problem.
    It wouldn’t hurt to take your marriage to a counselor for a ‘tune up.’ The counselor could suggest practical things you and your husband can do to communicate better, and to have a relationship outside of the mommy/housewife role.
    If you have any spare time, or if you can afford a sitter for a few hours a week, I recommend taking up a hobby or taking a class. Doing something just for yourself where you don’t have to talk to/about your kids will help you feel like an independent woman again.

  4. Blah blah blah. That is what they all say. You will cheat on him, he will divorce you and then you will realize that you really screwed up. Your actions prove that you never truly loved your husband in the first place.

  5. Really though no offense, but you have really bad judgment. Your committing a whole bunch of sins, you should have never married your husband. Your temptation for that other man while you still have a husband is scandalous, no matter what the case is even if you feel a spiritual thing for that other man, it’s still a sin. Eventually, your gonna feel the hurt and pain, and you even might sleep with that other man, it’s just the way humans are when we are living in the physical world instead of the spiritual. I can get more preachy about this, but I rather not, my suggestion would be for you to go to church because you have committed a whole bunch of sins as a wife.

  6. Before this goes any further, take a good long look at this guy and know that if he’s willing to sleep with one married woman (you) he’s undoubtedly slept with lots of others. Every time his sticks that thing in someone else, he’s risking catching a life threatening or future threatening disease. Over half of sexually active, non-monogamous Americans are carrying HPV. That gives women cervical cancer. A third have either had or are dealing with gonorrhea or syphilis (note that these two diseases are the leading causes of lymphoma and leukemia in children. It’s a third generation thing – you get it, it tweaks your DNA, and your grandchildren die of cancer even if you get over it.) Over a quarter have genital herpes. There are now over 800 recognized sexually transmitted diseases in the United States. About half are successfully treatable. You get to live with the rest – and give them to your husband.
    So, which of these do you want? Chances are really close to 100 percent that if he’s sleeping around, he’s got at least one of them. Next time you look at him, imagine all the nasty little germs crawling on him and remind yourself you have a clean man at home to enjoy. Your husband, your kids, nor you deserve to have to live with the results of a sexual fling. You are NOT a cat or a dog.

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