When I was 15, a deep depression sunk in. I became very suicidal. I also became a heavy marijuana abuser and sexual addict. Fast forward 7 years to now.
One day, I just decided to quit marijuana forever. 4 days later, I experienced nightmares and panic attacks, all about the nature of my own existence. I became terrified about reality. What is it? Why am I here? Do I even exist? How do I know I exist? How do I know reality is actually real? What is my soul? Why was I born?
I later learned that this was a spiritual crisis. On the 8th day of my sobriety, I cried out to God, “Please help me!” I didn’t necessarily believe in God at this point, but I had no choice anymore. I was experiencing the darkest existential horror. I cried out to Him and began working through my feelings.
It’s been a few days since then. I realized I had to explore spirituality, otherwise, my problems would not go away. But as I am reading about personal spirituality, I am growing very, very confused. My whole world has been turned upside down. I used to find comfort that I had money. What if I lost it? I used to find comfort that I had a family. What if I lost that too? I used to find comfort that I had a body in good health. But what about when I lose my body? And finally, I used to find comfort that I was alive and I existed, but what if I lose that?
Spirituality is relieving my worries, but a part of me is violently resisting it. It wants to go back to the earlier comforts. “I’m okay, I am a good guitar player”, or “It’s okay, I’m alive right now”. But when I use those crutches, I’ll simply never be able to come to true terms with my own death.
By the way, I haven’t had any delusions or hallucinations during this experience. It’s been the first 8 days of sober living since 4 years ago!
There was a period leading up to this spiritual crisis. I could not stop thinking about my death and my own existence. I just had to know. As soon as I quit running from my feelings (marijuana), EVERYTHING came out!
gabe, I am no longer hiding anymore. I am not afraid of sharing my story. Hiding my story only makes me feel worse.