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I need help on my story?

here is paragraph one, two and three please help me edit it to make it better.
I am nine today my name is Apteryx I am a superbeing no one knows what we are my mum is called Aprhadeity my dad is called Eleusaris and my baby sister is called Rosalite. I have three eyes one is my third eye above the other two and I have green eyes but the third eye is silver and my hair is blonde, black and silver in three sections I chose them as when I turned six they stuck with me from then on I am taller than my age… I am the fastest of all of us so I am the one who goes robbing banks for money to last us for a when we move away I also rob nappies and clothes as well… my family is poor so I have a bounty on my head as do most of my family. Mine is higher as they try to always catch me off guard and catch me as well.
I always keep to the shadows and never enter the light of day as it is too risky anyway I am the one who does everything in my family from robbing to looking after my sister which is so annoying I have no sleep as it is… but I cannot complain I like the distraction of noise and work so I am glad for that at least, my mum was awake in the hall and she said “Apteryx could you go and get me some diapers and food for Rosalite please yeah sure. So I ran off to the shop at night and smashed the door.
I grabbed diapers, food, money, ale, cigarettes, and magazines for us to read then I ran home and placed the stuff in the house cupboards and then I went out again this time driving a lorry and I broke into a electronic store and stole a plasma TV a fridge/freezer and shower for the bathroom and placed them in the truck and then I drove off to the kitchen store and robbed kettles carving knifes cutlery and a microwave as well as an oven. I drove home and placed them in and I knew we would need a new house. I went to the house firm and said how much for a house in the northern of London the agent said “Thirty grand” sure I will take it and bought the house.

5 COMMENTS

  1. My name is Apteryx, i am nine today. I am a super-being, no one knows what we are! My mum is called Aprhadeity, my dad is called Eleusaris and my baby sister is called Rosalite. I have three eyes one is my third eye above the other two and I have green eyes but the third eye is silver and my hair is blonde, black and silver in three sections I chose them as when I turned six they stuck with me from then on I am taller than my age… I am the fastest of all of us so I am the one who goes robbing banks for money to last us for a when we move away I also rob nappies and clothes as well. My family is poor so I have a bounty on my head as i do the most robbing in my family. Mine is higher as they try to always catch me off guard and catch me as well.
    I always keep to the shadows and never enter the light of day as it is too risky anyway I am the one who does everything in my family from robbing to looking after my sister which is so annoying I have no sleep as it is… but I cannot complain I like the distraction of noise and work so I am glad for that at least, my mum was awake in the hall and she said “Apteryx could you go and get me some diapers and food for Rosalite please yeah sure. So I ran off to the shop at night and smashed the door.
    I grabbed diapers, food, money, ale, cigarettes, and magazines for us to read then I ran home and placed the stuff in the house cupboards and then I went out again this time driving a lorry and I broke into a electronic store and stole a plasma TV a fridge/freezer and shower for the bathroom and placed them in the truck and then I drove off to the kitchen store and robbed kettles carving knifes cutlery and a microwave as well as an oven. I drove home and placed them in and I knew we would need a new house. I went to the house firm and said how much for a house in the northern of London the agent said “Thirty grand” sure I will take it and bought the house.

  2. No offense, but this needs a LOT of work. Your story could have some potential, but it is lost in the way it is written. The first paragraphs of a story are supposed to grab your readers’ interest and make them want to keep reading. And besides a great story line, it needs to be well written, or people wont want to read it.
    There is almost no punctuation, which makes quite a few of your sentences run on sentences. And the sentences themselves could use some re-structuring as well. You need to give the reader a sense of where and when, besides describing the main character. When you begin to describe your main character, finish his description completely before moving on to the other characters. Otherwise, the reader gets confused from having to jump around.
    I don’t suggest your very first sentence start out as “I am nine today”. Introduce Apteryx by name, and describe who or what he is, age, and a physical description. Then go into his family and describe them one at a time.
    Also, each paragraph should have its own subject or topic. So, for example, the part where his mom asks him to go to the store should actually start a new paragraph.
    I hope this helps, and if you need any more advice feel free to contact me.

  3. Once again, you have the punctuation of a 3 year old.
    And, once again, you are listing off facts with no story – this is not a story, it is a burp of events.
    You have posted story excerpts time and again, and everytime someone tells you these last two points. You have constantly ignored these points, so what is the point in trying?
    You are a terrible writer, and im saying it as it is. Stop posting excerpts, as you obviously do’t to anything anyone says unless they’re licking your ass.

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