i am looking to be published?

- Advertisement -

Do you think this sample has the chumps
She awoke gasping for air in a smokey wilderness. Her surroundings were unknown, clouds of thick smoke that were wielding in every second. She could hear the silent thuds of her horse’s hoof. All she could think of was sadness, babies’ crying, death and sorrow. The clouds of smoke were never ending. Blackness filled her eyes and she felt dizzy, she could not get out. She began to think that she would die like this. She had to take an effort to get out she thought. She pulled the rains of her horse and pounded her to go as fast as she could, but the horse was unable to run. She jumped off and felt pain and blood oozing out of her as she hit a rock. She suffered yet she grabbed the rains and fled, pulling the horse behind her, in agony. She ran as fast as she could, but slipped and fell. She couldn’t move, she was dying. Unable to breathe she stumbled into a ditch. All she could see was red. She heard the cry of her horse.
“It’s okay, run away there’s no hope”
She heard the gallop of her hooves and said:
“Good girl”
She closed her eyes and suddenly felt all the cries and deaths and pain and hate and fire and torture flaring into her body, building up like an unforgivable force into her, she said:
“You’re not getting me his time”
and in a final effort to live she pulled herself out of the smoke and into the darkness of the night.
as well as this sample:
“Get out” “Everybody get out or else The children and women die!” The echoes of The shadows filled the village of Market. All scrambled to get out of the village alive. Babies’ cries could be heard in the streets and the howls of fugitives echoed after.
After the village had been completely turned into a ghost town nobody had noticed that a small white rose petal had fallen into the ocean of Mira and had been slowly sinking to the bottom. Within a split second of reaching the sea floor the rose petal transformed into a small, young person. Her hair was as blue as a the ocean, her eyes as silver as the moon, her lips as red as a rose and her face as delicate as a cloud. She had two wings both white and made of the most beautiful spider silk. On them were little drops of dew, all twinkling like the stars. She wore a blue dress with a scarf that she used as a top for her dress, it was fastened with a silver band. It was a long dress as flowing as a stream and it suited her perfectly. She was the most beautiful girl in the world (Edge earth and Earth). She was the hero. She was known as a swan, because she was so graceful. She had a crystal on a silver strand that she had draped around her head, so that it dangled on her forehead.
She bore a Silver bow and arrow made of the twinkling stars. She also held a wand made of amethyst with a small jewel on the centre. She was a fairy, not like the normal Faeries but a fairy. The world’s first Fairy.
A faerie is a trickster and a cheat, pretty, but not elegant like a fairy. A fairy has the ability to fly but a Faerie can only walk.
Our fairy’s name was Amethyst.

- Advertisement -
Subscribe
Notify of
guest
3 Comments
Most Voted
Newest Oldest
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Tawni

Sorry, i only read the first one. You seem to have made a few grammatical and spelling errors. I think instead of saying “her surroundings were unknown”, you could use a stronger word. or you could say something like- The air tasted bitter, nothing she had ever experienced unknown. The obscure surroundings enveloped her as she gasped for breath.
Good luck, you’re story’s pretty good! I think you can get it published very soon.
Hope I helped! 🙂

LK

Constructive criticism…Suggestions only…No rewrites…Please excuse length…
1. The hook needs work. The first sentence is dicey.
1a. There’s no way readers will accept “…silent hoof beats…” could be heard.
1b. If the hoof beats are silent, nobody hears them. A rider feels them instead. Agree?
1c. “Thick clouds of smoke…” aren’t “…wielding…” They can ‘roll’ or ‘billow,’ not wield.
1d. *The third line from the start would make the best hook I see. Agree?
2. “Blackness filled her eyes and she felt dizzy, she could not get out.”
2a. The above is two separate sentences because the ideas are different.
2b. Suggest a period and a bit more explanation why this ‘blackness filled her eyes’ (was it sorrow? a memory? the smoke?) …followed by…”She could not get out.” (of what?) written separately.
2c. When a protagonist has a thought “…She had to take an effort to get out (of the smoke? the sadness?) [,]she thought.” Suggest a comma to separate the thought from a protagonist thinking it.
2d. When a rider “…pull(s) the reins of her horse…” she is asking a horse to stop.
2e. See the different spelling for ‘reins’? Probably a typo.
2f. Reins are also part of a harness and not part of a horse.
2g. For a rider to (have) “…pounded her as fast as she could, but…” the rider is actually doing what? Whipping the horse? Using her hand to pound the rump of her horse? Using a riding crop?
3. It sounds like the protagonist ‘fell off’ her horse rather than “…jumped off…” if she hit her head on a rock. Agree?
4. There are more instances like these but I think you get the idea.
4a. Revise, revise, revise…a mantra for writers.
4b. Do revisions and you’ll have a better hook, more sense in this piece, and more interest is immediately gained by a writer (you) to hook more readers.
5. There are good ideas here and there.
5a. Don’t let them go to waste by not doing revisions.
5b. Example: “She bore a silver (no capitalization needed) bow made of twinkling stars.” That’s an interesting idea and stirs the imagination in just a few words.
6. Keep writing, please.
You have a good idea in general.
You only need to revise a few times.
Best of luck.

Elle

I read the first paragraph and stopped sorry -_- I agree you should use a better word that ‘unknown’, maybe something like alien, which is powerful and has a greater effect. You also start sentences with ‘she’ a lot, which is boring and just… well, unable to grip the reader. Start sentences with verbs, adjectives… show the reader what’s happening instead of jamming it down their throat with a load of ‘she did this’ and ‘she did that’.
For example…
She pulled the rains of her horse and pounded her to go as fast as she could, but the horse was unable to run.
This is very bland – and lacks the action and urgency it could have. If you started it with ‘Yanking the rains of her horse’, even that is better and has a better sense of urgency than ‘she pulled the rains’.
Good luck ;D and hope I helped 🙂

Related

Have you ever had to remind yourself of who you are, spiritually?

I think that I have had more than one spiritual awakening. This time, however, I am "remembering" how I was at various times...

Can I get my Tarot deck taken away at school?

I'm getting my first Tarot deck in a few days and I'm really excited to do readings on my friends. I know the main...

whats better: VOODOO or HOODOO or WICCA or BLACK MAGICK, or a combination of some of them?

FIRSTLY: dont tell me magik dont got a color. note: -black magick is pertaining to all the red, black, green magicks. -wicca includes the white magic

Can you anser some of my subliminal message questions?

What is a subliminal message? Can you show me a link to a website with subliminal messages? Youtube video of one? Any other videos? (and I want mostley...

Spiritual crisis – pleeasssseeee help! Who created God!?

So the universe requires a creator (duh?) while this god guy doesn't. Cool. Wow - if the Bible doesn't answer a question I don't need...

What are the advantages and disadvantages of reincarnation?

Is reincarnation evil or good? What are your thoughts on this? What do your holy teachers and holy books say about this? (Of course, this is another...
3
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x