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Here's a poem I just wrote stream of consciousness do you like it?

The teams just lingered like gasoline figures
and let the prize just drop from the eyes
of the dedicated ones
of the rhymes and puns
when the children made a mess
the parents made a well of madness
their littles ones made a well of sadness
so lets cure the ticklish forests
of the mindless signs
and they’ll find us pines and
we’ll die so softly drinking our wines
yourspaghettigod’s… what don’t you have a PHD in?

5 COMMENTS

  1. Take out ‘just’ in the first and second lines and you’ve got a wonderful opening to a poem, it is mysterious and rhythmical and I hastened to see what was going to come next – but, I have to be honest the middle section of this is a little disappointing…your ‘unconscious’ has let you down there
    The teams lingered like gasoline figures
    and let the prize drop from the eyes
    of the dedicated ones.
    ‘of the mindless signs
    and they’ll find us (beneath/under/amidst) the pines as
    we die so softly drinking (life’s) wines
    ………………………..when you try this again….dedicate some time to tweaking. You could be rewarded with something great.

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