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Hello poetry people, have you got a second?

What do you think?

A sly caress where satin rose and dipped
“Silly child, my hand, it merely slipped
cease your shrill objections, disappear”
A smirk upon his lips, position clear
Another girl, a terrified dissent
that goes unspoken, goes on to frequent
the dinners and the balls that he attends
On golden social ladder he ascends
peers down upon the peasants he outgrew
Spits finer venom then they ever knew
the kind that burns through skin and flesh and bones
and makes them shameful of their modest homes
their honest living, sacrifices made
to feed their children, moral debts unpaid
by higher beings, karma, nature, he
would never understand, would not agree
Certain luxuries can good breeding can afford
A prefix on your name have you, my lord?
And ignorance obscuring gilded views?
I wonder what he’d pick if forced to choose…
Iano, those lines are supposed to be 9 beats long, if you look closer you’ll realise there are speech marks indicating a direct voice from the subject of the poem. These lines are one beat short to mock him.

Yep, can was an error, but I like your other changes. Thanks.

14 Comments

  • The first three lines are fine;

    ‘to be positioned crystally’ might be added in the same tone in line 4

    If not terrible, a terrified dessert could be used

    That goes unsaid is better ‘goes frequently vericated’ or similar could be used

    The balls and lessons, credule lissens

    On ladder’s treble brow or similar (filligree is too easy, but maybe good)

    Peers over his prose peasants is good

    To spit Venim fine upon their Neck

    The kind that earns and acquires Savour Franc (instead of Flesh and Bones)

    And makes them shiver for divine decree [rhymes with some french words]
    I was thinking deblusee: mannered blues

    An avenance, a porte fouire

    By delicates and mannered politic-retante

    Not to understate the range of his affairs

    Some things a ways in meeting, not trembled

    To desport in his affairs

    Something noble, not a nack?

    To spare the vain tresserie from things are bought—

    Neither—it goes on

    The science of the desquery is bought if sunk

    [all of these are poetic lines not commentary beyond a certain point]

  • I think this is a very deep poem, and very interestingly written. I would have said that your poem leaned on simple rhymes way too often, but your rhymes weren’t so simple. In fact, those rhymes I have never heard before. Rhymes such as through, too, undo, knew can never compare to dissent and frequent. That was my favorite rhyme throughout. I used to be a rhyming poetry writer, but I am trying to get away from that, because I always seem to use the same ones over and over. I don’t usually like rhymes because it reduces the deepness and passionate feeling of the poem. However, yours is an exception. I think your poem is very unique, passionate, and deep in it’s own way, and you have a personal touch to your writing.

    One thing that I would like to see improved would be the line:

    “by higher beings, karma, nature, he
    would never understand, would not agree”

    I think this line is a little shaky, and I stuttered in my head while reading it. I had to go back and re-read it to understand how it was supposed to mean what it said. I think you could have added another line. I’m not sure how to fix this, but I will give it an attempt.

    “By higher beings, karma, nature,
    But this man, he
    Would never understand
    Would not agree”

    It makes it easier for the reader to understand what you are trying to say, or maybe if you don’t like mine because it is too choppy, I don’t know, but I’m sure you can find another way to make your point. Other than those two lines there, I can’t find many faults in your poetry. I really enjoyed this. 8 out of ten.

    Please, by all means, click on my picture and check out all of my poems. Feel free to answer this question because this is probably my best poem yet. You will find that my other poems lean too far on rhymes, and that they could be improved. I tried to get away from my old ways in this poem link that I am about to give you, so I really hope I can get an opinion from a great writer like you. Hope I helped, and I hope you can do me the favor as well. Remember though, the deepest people are the people who have been hurt the most, so you can never force deepness on a poem. Of course, this one is very good in a deep and passionate sort of way, but at the same time, with common sense and common knowledge. Good job and definitely keep up the good work. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgpwN5sDame_dg8S8mGqDqHsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100407204610AAY4NH4&vm=r

  • line 17 holds the only flaw I see at the moment, which is already noted by you an error.
    I had more than a second this took me a few moments, a second read if that is what you mean by second… aloud to feel and digest the words…
    thanks, Poppy

  • Lano is like pond debri one like me would scrape away to see the more clear reflections of the day.

    I get it certainly and have no pompous, over inflated ego to maintain as most critics seem to. I like it, I even understand your comments after, regarding it, and I’m confused as always in Yahoo’s total lag time now of a week at best?

    Kudos to you

  • I must have enjoyed this, I read it several times and started looking at the comments and counting beats and wondering why I was doing it when I actually just rather liked it…….

    Yeah, I could probably take it apart and make suggestions to nip here, tuck there etc. but that’s your job not mine, it’s your poem and you will probably be a harsher critic than I on re-reading. Hey ho.

    When I look at the majority of what I read on this site, the few I comment upon and the fraction of those that I actually enjoy……this was a brief ray of sunshine. Thanks.

  • the only suggestion I can give is in L-11
    –the kind that burns through skin and flesh and bones
    The beat is off a little in this line, the use of And is over used it would sound better if you just took out the first And.
    –the kind that burns through skin, flesh and bones
    or replace the And with
    –the kind that burns through skin, the flesh and bones
    otherwise this was a perfect write and I’m glad I had the chance to read it, Poppy. Dana

  • And to think I nearly missed this!

    Poppy, that was great, a real evocative joy to read.
    I can picture it all ~ I have an active imagination, and it is best fed by good writing. I really love your opening and closing lines. More please 🙂

  • Now that the easily impressed have fed your ego for the day, I’ll tell you how it really is. 10 beats in most lines, apart from L2 and L3 in which you have only 9, and L17 in which you have 12. However, as the ‘can’ before ‘good’ is clearly a mistake, that brings it down to 11. Once you have made each line 10 beats it will be the better for it.

    “You foolish child, my hand it merely slipped

    cease all your shrill objections, disappear”

    Fine luxuries good breeding can afford

  • whoa, that blew me away, you have talent beyond talent. You are what talent is all about. Keep up the great work. And I listener will make it work. Great great stuff.

    take care
    dave

  • Wow, you certainly have a good thesaurus and dictionary!
    It’s wonderful!
    You have talent 🙂
    I don’t even think you need that validated.

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