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GCSE, is this A grade quality?

im a 15 yr old gcse student, do you think my english short story builds tension? what mark will you give this out of 27? can u please help me if i need to improve, thnx
25-27 A*
24-22 A
19-21 B
16-18 C
“I write to anyone who is reading; something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can consequently cause a typhoon halfway across the world. How you react to a circumstance can alter one’s destiny. Don’t change the past, don’t leave anything behind, and most importantly don’t bring anything back. The slightest alteration might impact on life in ways we can’t imagine”.
* * *
I couldn’t have turned out any better. I graduated university, my grades were flawless, I had a car, a house and a successful career as a lawyer. Or so I thought to myself.
What good is having a good life with no one to share it with? All my friends from School ended up with their boyfriends from University and are married with kids living a nice life. During my High School years, my friend Jason had asked me to be his date for the prom. I really wished I said yes. I could have been married to him and been so happy. Now, I’m single and lonely, no matter what I do I can never find love. My life could have been so different. I should have listened to my heart, being a strong believer in destiny and fate. Right until yesterday night when I had finally triggered that long lost memory, I hadn’t realized how incomplete my life was. I thought I had it all, when in fact I had nothing. From that night, I lost my appetite and I lost sleep. My memory started to diminish, as I could not remember some periods of my life such as my preteen years. I was less focused in my career as a lawyer, as I started to lose cases. I got so stressed, I gave into gluttony, smoking and drinking. I basically lost zeal for life
I decided to attend a psychiatric regression session. It was at St Benedict’s Hospital. The place was gloomy, dark, silent and depressing. I checked in and then walked to Mrs Brenner’s office, my psychiatrist for today. I walked in, greeted her, and then she told me to lie on the sofa. I did so. As soon as lay down, she said “Close your eyes Miss Jennifer Williams”. Now try to go all they way back to your childhood, try to recollect sounds, images, memories at the time…”
Her voice was hypnotising, with every syllable she spoke, her tone got deeper and deeper, her voice drifted away as the sounds of nature drifted towards me; sounds of birds chirping, soft serene sound of fish swimming in the water, and then the distant sound of children having fun. I opened my eyes; I was standing in the midst of trees, sunlight and great tranquillity out in the open. I looked up quite curiously at the crystal clear blue sky, watching all the birds fly. Everything felt so new to me, I had the curiosity of a young child. I looked down at my feet. I saw a pair of small feet in flip flops. I looked at my hands, my God; I was a child again, my little squishy fingers wriggling and my wide eyed curiosity taking the better of me. I gazed around; this looked so familiar, was I recalling this? I heard something from the distance, a woman, I could hear her from my heart, her voice was mellow and lovely, yet I couldn’t make out what she was saying. My heart felt warm, I placed my hand on my heart and closed my eyes. Suddenly, I felt as if I was being pulled through a time warp, everything unbelievably fast and vivid, the scene of calm atmosphere being dragged away from me literally.
All the vividness and speed came to a halt. It was dark; I could hear a buzz of teenage conversation, fast, loud, yet I couldn’t make out what was being said. I heard loud music, cars, and crowds of rebellious young people. Wait, this makes sense, the night before the prom, I was sixteen, and I was downtown at a party. The darkness vanished, replaced by scenery of 100 raging youth at a party in a car parking lot. I sat in a car with Jason. I’m so happy I’m reliving this again. He looked at me and smiled, then asked “Hey Jenny, can I ask you something?” It felt like he wanted to ask me something very important. He looked into my eyes, as I felt dejavu. “Jenny, will you be my…” He is about to ask me to be his date for the prom, this will definitely change my life, we will end up together, get married and my dream will come true! Changing the past really is great! I said “Yes!!!” not letting him finish. He said “I haven’t finished, how do you know what I’m about to ask you?” I replied “Yes I’ll be your date for the prom!” he smiled ecstatically. I touched my nose, signalling I know stuff. Perfect, I have corrected my mistake, and I’d like to go back and live the life I was supposed to live, as I thought these things my naivety stunned me. The scene disappeared, darkness came back, and then I saw a flash.
I heard a car crash, ambulance siren and people screaming. The noise of the chaos drifted away, slowly. I opened my eyes, but my vision was blurred. Some one was looking down at me, wearing a white coat. I could smell that vivid smell of chlorine. I reached to itch my eye but my arm didn’t move. I think I was still in a state of unconsciousness. I tried to move my arm, but it didn’t move. It felt heavy, no, I couldn’t feel it. What is going on? My vision became clear, and I was in a hospital bed, bruised all over and my neck in a brace. I was armless. I panicked, where are my arms? What? I couldn’t cry; my body felt ultimately lifeless, my heart was beating very quickly, and I felt like screaming. The only thing I could move was my eyelids, yet I couldn’t cry. What on earth? I couldn’t even talk. I had a flashback, I was in a car with Jason when he suddenly lost control of the wheel and crashed into another vehicle, we both flew out the windscreen, and I got caught between two cars while Jason landed on the road. Oh Gosh is that what happened? I came back to reality, and I saw Jason’s family by my hospital bed. Jason’s mum was crying on her husband’s shoulder, Jason’s sister and younger brother stood there looking really fierce at me. My mum was there too, yet I didn’t see a look of sympathy in her face. There seemed to be negativity and tension from everybody, the silence was electrifying. Jason’s sister step forward “You listen to me; you deserve the place you’re in now. Do you know how much grief you caused me and my family?” She fiercely threw at me. I thought they are here to comfort me, what is going on? What did I do? I’m here fighting for my life after a traumatic incident, armless and in a brace, wondering how Jason is doing, when he’s sister tells me this. What did I do? She burst out in tears “He didn’t make it! He gave up his life for you! You took my brother! How do you live with yourself? He would have been alive if he wasn’t so damn happy about you being his date, which caused the accident! You killed him!”
She ran off, her words echoing in my head. My God what had I done? Jason is dead, because of me? My only love. My guilt and anger bottled up inside me. The fact that my own mother disowned me, Jason’s death, and his family’s hatred towards me made me so upset, my body almost magically leaped of the bed, crashing to the floor on my face. Darkness. Oh my Gosh, what is happening? I feel as if I’m having an out of body experience, this does not feel real. I felt myself drifting off the floor, I felt very light, yet very scared and confused. As I floated, I looked down and saw doctors and nurses rushing towards an armless tangled body on the floor. I looked up, and then saw the crystal blue skies which turned into fiery demented flames. I could hear volcanoes erupting. I was in a blazing hot furnace, my skin alight, burning, as I yelled in agony. I felt a hole through my body, and then I felt extremely cold gushes going through the hole. Spirits were using me as a portal to earth. Upon realizing this, i was frantic and deeply disturbed. Horrifying images ran through my mind; violence of humankind, the colonilization of the third world countries, the angry proclaims of Prophet Nostradamus, the race hate Ku Klux Klan, the mass murder of Jews, September 11 bombings, America and Iraq war…
There was a flash, I was in the skies, forced to look down at earth by hands that had a tight painful grip on my head. “Look at what you have caused!” A mighty huge voice declared.
I looked down, it was complete chaos, the world was flooding, people panicked, there were all sorts of natural disasters, meteorites shattering the only few buildings left.
People screamed out of fear, agony and oppression. The dead were coming out of the graves; there was one currency, nuclear bombs being dropped, and three sixes written on people’s foreheads, demented spirits filled the sky. It was catastrophic; it was the end of this world.
It was the Apocalypse. The mighty voice proclaimed “By going back in time, you have triggered a whole new portal of disaster. Being in between life and death, you are the one whom spirits used as a gateway to earth, thereby causing all this destruction. You have empowered the force of darkness and have made Lucipher greater than me. You have caused Judgement day!” You have one chance to set everything right.” The Lord’s mighty voice filled the skies. With that, the grip on my head diminished, and I was being pulled through a time warp again, everything rushing by fast and vivid, flashing lights, buzzing sounds.
I came to a halt. I found myself walking down a dark cynical hallway, the lights flickering, I could hear dripping water, the strong smell of blood in the air, droplets of blood trailing the corner, a creaking door and distant faint cries of agony, I was in a hospital. A knife was in my hand, I felt very small, and as I stretched my arm forward to push open a door I noticed my arm was that of a child’s. I was a child, yet I had my adult knowledge. I didn’t know what I was after but my legs were taking me somewhere. I seemed to psychologically know where I’m going. Looking into the room, there was a woman holding a new born baby, with her husband standing next to her. It was my mother and father, and I was that baby.
My existence should never have happened, I lost my successful life, I lost Jason, my mother disowned me, and Jason’s family hated me for causing his death. Because of me, the world is literally coming to an end. My existence was the worst mistake known to humanity. I didn’t have to exist; I can evaporate off the face of the earth forever. I looked at that knife in my hand, walked in front of my mother, a picture of Mary crying real blood, and with one thrust, my very existence was erased off the face of the planet…
“I write again to anyone who is reading; something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can consequently cause a typhoon halfway across the world. How you react to a circumstance can alter one’s destiny. Don’t change the past, don’t leave anything behind, and most importantly don’t bring anything back. The slightest alteration might impact on life in ways we can’t imagine”.
19-21 B
16-18 C

7 COMMENTS

  1. Id give it B+, so perhaps 21.
    Its good, but goes on a little. I didn’t finish reading because I got bored. But its excellent to the point I read up to.
    Its needs maybe to be a little more realistic, and perhaps slightly more entertaining.
    I think only your English teacher though can mark it accurately. She/He will know what they are talking about.
    Good luck.

  2. HIgh B to low A. around 21-22!! 😀
    It’s great! erm… about tension, I don’t think it builds it up.
    It’s very touching.
    EDIT:: I reread the story and found it even more interesting. I would give it a A. about 23-24. There are some (very simple) mistakes though. Like “I basically lost zeal for life” you forgot to put the full stop at the end, and “Lucipher” is spelt “Lucifer”.
    Overall it’s great.

  3. hi,
    that is actually really good, i did GCSE English aswell and got an A.
    to make this piece better though use more figurative language
    x

  4. Just to let you know that I know what I’m talking about, here’s a little about me: I tutor GCSE English students, and got two As two years early in my own English GCSEs. I’m also a published writer who is predicted an A grade for A Level English Literature
    This piece feels very forced. You’ve constructed what is a technically viable piece, but the feeling behind it and the language used is both inconsistent and unnatural. Try going through this and making parts of it less formal; creative writing is all about expressing a part of yourself, not meeting an exam spec (even if that is the end goal!).
    I’d give this a B grade, but it could definitely be better with a little tweaking. Read it out loud to yourself. Ask yourself whether this piece says something about you as an artist. Write, re-write and write again! Enjoy yourself!

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