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First of all, let me say, before I get into any details, that I tend to be a very cynical person and I don’t trust people easily; but I know that this is all really just a front I put up because on the inside, I’m a complete softie who desperately wants to believe that people are really, at least usually, good, kind and unselfish. I don’t make friends easily, but when I do, they are friends for life. I also don’t fall in love easily, but when I do…
I FEEL LIKE I’LL GO COMPLETELY F**KING INSANE!!! To be completely honest, this is the first time it’s ever happened to me (I’m 18). Let me back up and explain. Since about the beginning of this school year, I had been talking to this girl who, after a friendship of about 2 months, began to show serious interest in me. We’d had a lot of good, close, intimate and honest conversations together about personal things and got to know each other very well. So roughly 2 months into our friendship, though she was apparently too embarrassed to openly say it, she really wanted me to ask her out. She dropped this kind of hint in various ways, like for example, when she said once in a sad voice that after this year, we’d both go off to separate colleges and probably never see each other again. I didn’t pick up IMMEDIATELY that she liked me, but after a little while (I guess about a month after it started), it became clear to me. As things progressed and I got closer to her, I fell so deeply in love with her I scared even myself. Regardless of all this, for reasons that, when I look back on things, I can’t really see or understand, I never made a move. I kept this all inside for months; and to make matters worse, I could perceive that she liked me – but the problem was, I LOVED her!!! I LOVED HER SO MUCH I THOUGHT I’D GO OUT OF MY MIND! To be honest, I’ve wanted to ask her out during this period but either could not work up the nerve, or would just justify not doing anything to myself with lame bullshit reason like that she was simply too good for me and wouldn’t like me if she too close. This was obvious bullcrap because in reality, I wanted her so badly I could barely control myself. I clearly hurt her by not doing anything over the past few months, and it was all extremely f**king stupid on my part. I absolutely despise myself for it now.
I loved her so much, but kept it all inside for months, and so now – unsurprisingly – I’ve become a tittering, obsessed neurasthenic, a crazed madman who’s fit for a straightjacket. I can’t concentrate for more than 5 seconds and the only reason I’m even able to write this in a coherent and readable fashion is because it all relates to her. If she so much as SMILES at me, suddenly, I’m in heaven; and many times I’ve found myself going out of my way to talk to her. I’d suffer an eternity of torment and boredom for so much as a 5 minute conversation with her.
I know I’ve hurt her for not doing anything earlier and I wish to God now that I had – I’m SO SORRY FOR IT ALL! You have no idea how unbelievably agonizing and burdensome all this regret has been. And worst of all, in recent days, she’s been avoiding me, though before we at least talked to each other. Basically, the only reason I even came to at all school today was to go up to her, apologize for everything and finally tell her the truth, because it felt like if I held it in any longer, it would kill me. Needless to say, it didn’t work out and now I’m lucky if I can get so much as a “Hi,” from her. OH GOD, I WANTED TO DIE TODAY!!! I’M SO SORRY FOR ANY PAIN I MAY HAVE CAUSED HER, AND I JUST KNOW SHE’S AVOIDING ME BECAUSE I’VE UPSET HER!!!
WHAT DO I DO???!!! I NEED to see her; I NEED to tell her! But how? I probably seem crazy right now. I guess in a way I am. I knew I shouldn’t have waited so long. Karma is a bitch. I take full responsibility for everything that’s happened to me and realize that’s it’s entirely my fault, but do I have any chance of making this work? Can I do anything? Is it too late? Help me!!
By the way, I highly recommend that people go to the link below and read this story; it’s excellent. It’s called “About Love,” by Anton Chekhov, and it describes my situation perfectly.
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