Home Discussion Forum Do you like the beginning of my story?

Do you like the beginning of my story?

This story is basically about the most famous fairy tale characters going to high school, basically a modern version with the fairy tale twist. Red is the main character. Tell me what you think, do you like it or not? How can I improve? Please don’t be mean though, just tell me how to improve.
The mysterious girl got her name by her red coat that she never took off. It was red with a hood that she nearly always had up, thus giving her the name ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ but most people around school just called her ‘Red’, barely anyone knew her real name.
She never took off her coat and only pulled down her hood when a teacher demanded it; however, most teachers understood where her nickname came from and even found themselves using it. Whenever she did push down her hood, she would reveal long brown hair, dark eyes, red rosy cheeks and an innocent face.
People attempted to talk to her and get a conversation out of her but she clammed up whenever anyone approached her. Even the teachers found it difficult to get an answer from her and often ignored her, sick of wasting their breath and then only getting a one word answer.
No one knew anything about her. They didn’t know where she lived, if she had any family or what her hobbies were. She was a complete mystery. She spent most of her lunchtimes in the library, not eating, just reading books. They could be fiction one day and non-fiction the next, she would always sit in the corner seat, lost in her own world.
“I heard that she’s really a forty-year-old midget who failed school, so keeps her hood up to hide how old she really is.”
“Little Red? I think she’s a hermaphrodite who was chosen to be a girl but is really a boy, so keeps the hood up to hide how much she wants to be a boy!”
“I think that she’s got mental problems, which means that she can’t speak and has serious special needs!”
The suggestions got more ridiculous and stupider each day. Most people didn’t really care but it frustrated some people. Especially people like Ella ‘Cinderella’ Tremaine and her little gang of friends, they were the most popular girls in school and spent a lot of their time cornering her and jibing her until she spoke.
Their attempts were in vain as they backed her into a corner and teased and mocked and threatened her but she just stood there, staring at her shoes, completely shut off from the words that would usually knock all the confidence out of someone else.
“What the hell is wrong with you? Are you mentally retarded or something?” Cinderella would jibe, sticking her finger in his chest.
“Should we call a therapist to lock you away in a cage and throw away the key?” Cinderella’s best friend, Snow, sneered.
“Don’t worry you’ll be safe where the grass is blue and the sky is pink.” The unintelligent Aura catcalled, although her friends usually called her ‘Sleeping Beauty’ as she was always the first to fall asleep at slumber parties.
“Guys, I think a teacher is coming!” Belle whispered, she didn’t like to participate in the teasing and mockery, yet she did nothing to stop it but usually kept ‘lookout’ for any teachers.
This all changed the day that Alice came to school. Like Red, no one knew much about her but that was expected with a new girl. Alice walked into school wearing knee-high stripy socks, a blue skirt and a white shirt with a blue tank top over the top, long blonde hair was thrown behind her shoulders with a black headband.
“Hi! I’m Alice, what’s your name?” Alice demanded as she pranced into the library at lunchtime and plonked herself in the seat next to the mysterious girl.
Red looked up in surprise, her hood falling into her eyes and her eyebrows knitted together, this was her corner, didn’t this girl know that? “Red.” She murmured but her voice was barely audible.
Alice laughed, “Red? What a weird name. Well, cool, wannabe friends?” She asked, smiling a bright smile.
Red’s mouth dropped open, she was staggered, most people respected her privacy, yet this girl just strolled right over towards her and asked to be friends.
“I don’t have friends.” The words came out angrier than Red had meant but she wanted this girl to leave her alone. Red preferred to be alone.
Ha, you are all completely right! I probably need to plan out the chapters more. Thank you for all the advice. Be honest, just don’t be cruel because that doesn’t help at all.

10 COMMENTS

  1. Where’s the story? This is all just ‘and she was this, so she did that’.. where’s the image? You’re just talking about your character, about things that were, as if reciting her story. Show us the scene. We don’t need to know anything about your character before the scene begins.

  2. your a good writer but this story is boring already i kno about little re riding hood we want a new story and you can have a good story i want to read something new

  3. You’re using a lot of passive verbs, and telling us a lot. Try showing the reader instead.
    Right now it makes a reader feel like saying “So what?”
    Also, contrary to other peoples’ answers, right away I didn’t feel like this was too original. There are a lot of modern adaptations and “character displacement” of fairy tale inhabitants.

  4. No such word as ‘stupider’ … use ‘more stupid’ instead.
    Otherwise … who or what age group is this story for? Aside from problems with tenses, the use of language / grammar is not bad, but the content … Can see where you’re wanting to go, but you give too much away in the first few paragraphs. Yes, it’s an amalgamation of fairy tale characters, bubt don’tblow it in the first chapter!
    Readers want intrigue, to be confused / bamboozled! Don’t tell the whole story in three paragraphs! Otherwise, keep writing! (No meanness intended)

  5. i think its good, an intersting idea, but i also think you are telling us way way way way way too much! you need to SHOW us, rather than tell us all the time.
    i know this is a hard thing to do, but the whole point about writing a book, or a novel is so that the reader can imagine what you are imagining, if you tell the reader everyhting, then there is nothing really left for them to imagine. (ok so this didnt quite come out right. lol)
    i dont really see where its going either, it sounds interesting dont get me wrong, im just wondering what you can do, (as in a twist) that could keep the reader interested.
    anyway my tip would be to get someone other than yourself to read this outloud to you! listen to the words carefuly. and try and see if you can change some things to show us not tell us what you mean. =)
    but again it is a good start well done! =)
    usually i get bored half way though stories on here, unless they are like only 5 paragraphs long, and even though nothing really interesting as such happened i still found it intersting! which is unusual for me! lol =)
    so well done lol! and keep at it! =)

  6. Why are the Disney princessess all bullies? That put me off Reading the rest lol. Anyway except that it sounds quote good.

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