Home Discussion Forum Could I get some feedback on a new poem?

Could I get some feedback on a new poem?

Unclarity
Trudging through the door,
shoulders slumping low,
our hero sits and waits.
Glasses left behind,
colors splay in an
impressionist dance,
casting forgiving
auras over the
ugly and the drunk,
splashing candlelight
kaleidoscopes, as
his half-blindness holds
steady till he can
slip at last into
a martini more
comfortable.

3 COMMENTS

  1. I am a poetry writer also. In my mind this poem expresses a lot of deep emotion that is kind of fogged over. This poem is absolutely gorgeous. Its mysterious and I like it like that. I wouldn’t change anything about it or throw it away or anything. The only thing I would do…and I know this may not be your forte’…would be to try to get it published. I have done it many times and got declined but I still keep trying because I know the more I try then I will be able to get more of a chance the next time. I have a deceased brother who was killed at the age of 12 when I was 10. I write a poem that expresses my feelings every night. I really appreciate your “love” for poetry and I think this poem is wonderful.
    Please try to get it published…I would love to see it out sometime making it big.
    Good luck Congratulations and Thank You for showing me a new poem.
    –<3beth<3-

  2. I think it’s really well written. I especailly like the ‘his half-blindness holds steady till he can slip into a martini more comfortable’ part. It gives readers good imagery.
    Overall, I think it’s really good!

  3. The first two lines imply meter, although this is not a metrical poem. Also, the alliteration between the first two words in each of the first two lines also implies a pattern that is not repeated anywhere else… you might want to revise the first two lines a little bit. Other than that I liked it… there’s excellent imagery and you are left wondering who the protagonist is, and why he is there… plenty of mystery!
    Thanks!

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