Home Discussion Forum Authors only what do you think of my new story?

Authors only what do you think of my new story?

Prologue: The Dead Father
I was trapped in the middle of the mountain surrounded by the spikes placed on the floor I couldn’t move the enemies surrounded us at a quick rate that all I could see was many army grunts with guns swords and pistols surrounding me and my baby sister and our parents I said dad don’t try you will get killed I cant look after mum I need you here and he never listened to me he jumped for them and the army bastards killed him on the spot and I shouted in outrage and jumped with my sister to my mum and I said no not you to we need you and I stopped her on the spot. My mum got angry and I slapped her and said don’t we need a parent to look after us i can’t look after my sister only you can I carried my baby sister on my back.
I said I’ll be back and I jumped straight up to a tree and I ran off to the safe house in the mountains where they didn’t look for us and I reappeared and said you don’t want to do that as I moved so rapidly I took out the guns and pistols and removed the spikes and I grabbed my mum and my dad’s dead mutilated corpse and carried them off into the dark of the night and I got to the safe house and I opened the door and bolted it behind me.
Chapter One: The new life
I am nine today my name is Apteryx I am a superbeing no one knows what we are my mum is called Aprhadeity my dad is called Eleusaris and my baby sister is called Rosalite. I have three eyes one is my third eye above the other two and I have green eyes but the third eye is silver and my hair is blonde, black and silver in three sections I chose them as when I turned six they stuck with me from then on I am taller than my age… I am the fastest of all of us so I am the one who goes robbing banks for money to last us for a when we move away I also rob nappies and clothes as well… my family is poor so I have a bounty on my head as do most of my family. Mine is higher as they try to always catch me off guard and catch me as well.
I always keep to the shadows and never enter the light of day as it is too risky anyway I am the one who does everything in my family from robbing to looking after my sister which is so annoying I have no sleep as it is… but I cannot complain I like the distraction of noise and work so I am glad for that at least, my mum was awake in the hall and she said “Apteryx could you go and get me some diapers and food for Rosalite please yeah sure. So I ran off to the shop at night and smashed the door.
I grabbed diapers, food, money, ale, cigarettes, and magazines for us to read then I ran home and placed the stuff in the house cupboards and then I went out again this time driving a lorry and I broke into a electronic store and stole a plasma TV a fridge/freezer and shower for the bathroom and placed them in the truck and then I drove off to the kitchen store and robbed kettles carving knifes cutlery and a microwave as well as an oven. I drove home and placed them in and I knew we would need a new house. I went to the house firm and said how much for a house in the northern of London the agent said “Thirty grand” sure I will take it and bought the house.
I grabbed the keys and said “do you need a lorry” no I have my own parked at home bye and I raced home and said “we have a new house” we need to move soon or they will catch up with us sure and then I hacked the computer of the housing company and deleted the house details for our house and then I said “they will never remember us or the house and we are safe for now they won’t find us so we moved again and I reconnected our house together. I started in the bathroom and moved on to the kitchen then went to the toilet downstairs and then I did my bedroom and let my mum sleep there my sister four years old now stayed on the coach I slept on the ceiling and I stayed away from the curtains, my mum asked me if I was sure that was alright I said “yes I am fine” besides I watch over my sister.
Okay and I kept my first eye open and then I saw a moving shadow in the kitchen and I jumped down and landed quietly and then I crept up and said I am sorry but what are you looking for the body froze as he saw me standing there I said if you need help allow me and I placed my hand in the mysterious persons neck and manoeuvred it against the body and worked them the points of stress relief and paralyzed the person. I took the person out of the house and got a taxi and said “take this person home” it passed out at my house, fine and I went back in.
I stayed awake all night and watched for more intruders and then I fell asleep for hours during the day and when my sister walked up to the wall and woke me up I yawned and hugged her as I dropped to the floor and landed quietly so I didn’t wake them up and I grabbed her bottle and placed it in the sanitizer and waited five minuets and then I placed it in her mouth and fed her and she glugged the milk down and I got the bottle out of her mouth and said sis try to eat food please. You are

5 COMMENTS

  1. I was trapped in the middle of the mountain surrounded by the spikes placed on the floor [Add a period] I couldn’t move [Period] the enemies surrounded us at a quick rate that [replace “that” with a period] all I could see was [were] many army grunts with guns swords and pistols surrounding me and [replace with comma] my baby sister and our parents [period] I said [quotations] dad don’t try [semicolon] you will get killed [period or “and”] I cant look after mum [semicolon] I need you here [end quotations] and [get rid of “and”] he never [replace with “didn’t”] listened to me [period] he jumped for them and the army bastards killed him on the spot and [replace with period] I shouted in outrage and jumped with my sister to my mum and I said [quotations] no not you to [too] [semicolon/period] we need you [end quotations] and [no “and”] I stopped her on the spot. My mum got angry and [period, no “and”] I slapped her and said [quotations] don’t we need a parent to look after us [period]i can’t look after my sister only you can [end quotations] I carried my baby sister on my back.
    This is very chunky prose to read. Your biggest problems are run-on sentences and a severe lack of paragraphs. Your story is a literary brick right now.
    Also, your story-logic is a bit lacking. You start off with the character trapped and being “unable to move”, but he moves throughout the paragraph.
    Kudos to you for running it through the spell-check, though. A lot of people here don’t bother.
    Study up on yer punctuation especially.

  2. Prologue: The Dead Father
    I was trapped in the middle of the mountain surrounded by spikes placed on the floor. I couldn’t move, the enemies surrounded us so fast that all I could see were army grunts with guns, swords and pistols surrounding me ,my baby sister and parents.
    “Dad don’t try, you’ll get killed and I can’t look after mum by myself. I need you here.” I pleaded with him, but he didn’t listen to me as he jumped for them. Those army bastards killed him on the spot. I shouted in outrage and jumped to my sister and mum. (I would explain why the person gets so angry at their mum because you haven’t seemed to make it very clear)
    I said, “No not you too, we need you.” And I stopped her on the spot. My mum got angry and I slapped her.
    “Don’t we need a parent to look after us, I can’t look after my sister only you can.” I carried my baby sister on my back.
    “I’ll be back.” I said as I jumped into a tree and ran off to the safe house in the mountains, where they couldn’t follow us. I reappeared
    “You don’t want to do that.” I growled, as I moved rapidly. I quickly immobilised them by removing their weapons and removed the spikes. I grabbed my mum and dad’s mutilated bodies and carried them off into the dark of the night. I got to the safe house and opened the door, then bolted it behind me.

  3. Punctuation is incredibly important in making a story readable. It tells you when you may take a breath, and when you have completed one idea. It also enables you to understand what parts are spoken and what parts are not, as they may intermingle. Correct this, and your work will improve by a thousand times.
    In terms of the actual story, try not to list details. Let people find out for themselves. e.g. “I would watch over my sister. Atop my human green eyes, my silver third eye fixed her in a protective gaze.” Except better!
    Just try to put in more details and less listing, as you needn’t ursh. If you intend to write a whole book, there is plenty of time for things to happen. Bring the reader right in on the action by telling them how people feel, what they can see and hear etc.
    Attend to your punctuation – ask someone to help you if needbe – and you’ll be well on your way. Keep writing and good luck.

  4. Again, punctuation is one of the most important parts. Writing divides between a science and an art, whilst most things are up to you, some things you just have to do. Punctuation is one of them.
    Again, this is just a list of events as you’d expect them to be listed in a conversation. You need to change each paragraph in to a story.
    For example, when they’re fleeing the house, there are plenty of things you could make happen to convey the seriousness of the situation – and listing exactly what rooms ho went through to pack isn’t necessary.

  5. I’m not an author but my husband is an aspiring writer and has had a lot of his work critiqued by authors and publishers. One of the most consistent bits of advice he is given is ‘show not tell’. This means, instead of telling us what your characters are doing, show us – through dialogue or the way they are doing things.
    Also, you need to add in a LOT more punctuation, no agent or publisher is going to read a book with poor puncutation, grammar or spelling.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Related