HomeDiscussion Forumadvice needed for handling indo-pak asian in-laws?

advice needed for handling indo-pak asian in-laws?

basically i got married as per culture… joint family, totally arranged. the hitch came in when right after marriage i find out that everything was done for the sake of my nationality (i hold dual citizenship). hubby has no interest of going abroad whatsoever, but i had to be sure, so i haven’t moved out of current country (much to in-laws dismay).
im the only child and my in-laws want my parents to foot the bill for my wedded life. since i’d rather divorce than accept my parents paying for me, my in-laws forced my folks to let me and my hubby live in their villa (that was supposed to go up for rent). this was done in the hopes of the villa being given to me as a ‘gift’ since my parents are rather well off(the result of saving most of their lives and not squandering earning away as my in-laws have done). my folks didn’t do this and said all is in their will.
long story short, my in-laws see they r getting no ‘profit’ form this wedding and have accused me of having an adulterous affair with another family member. i have support only from my hubby as in sympathy, but none as to give me justice. my father in law has made me take an oath to not retaliate (since i was gonna go for a libel n slander suit). this has happened a year ago and no one has stepped up nor will they let me stand up. im feeling very hostile and its affecting my life as a mother, wife, and student. day by day im losing respect for my husband and his ‘passive’ method and im fearing that i will walk out on a relationship i value due to behaviour of others. also in arranged marriages, it literally just talking, we were lied to about my hubby’s education… he earns nothing and has very bad ambition and we are Living off his inheritance. im studying and my father is paying for that. though i was very very upset about the lie, i have forced myself to look beyond the bad and accept the good qualities of my husband
im going abroad to my parents in about 2 months, for a family visit, but deep down im scared i wont return. in this culture, honor of a woman is extremely important (except my in-laws) and i have a daughter. my only argument is if i don’t get justice these guys will slander my daughter to hell and back as well (and they have already made clear their intentions).
please advice me… my husband has provided me with 2 options
a) ignore them, believe in karma
b) just tell the truth to gossipy extended in-laws (we have a huge family of up to 4th cousins and even great great grandparent’s-in-laws) and let them do the screaming and yelling (those guys are a passionate bunch)
for me only option that seems viable is, run with child, change my name and disappear.
i have tried meditation, prayer, therapy, anger management, its not working, i cant let go of this rage nor the embarrassment of the stigma of being accused, im tired of clarifying to people details.
for the record the people who have accused me r my father-in-law’s relatives : his father, brother, sister and niece (who said it is with her husband i did the deed).
we have completely proven their claims false in all aspects but still they accuse me as far telling these lies to mutual friends.
believe me wen i say this stuff about them, its not a figment of exaggeration,ive compromised for 5 years, now every limit has been crossed
im open to any ideas, please help!
im sorry for the details, but i feel i can only get help if the whole picture is present
thanks for the answers. the only detail i have to add is that there is the added dilemma of shame associated with divorce and legal action.
these guys publicised the issue so that i cant use these two methods to get out… my parents will get shamed and that is a major no-no here.
but the idea is right, im overall worried for my duaghter, i cannot have her live this life, i was brought up to stand for myself and my whole inner being retaliates against this ‘compromise’ of honour.
is there any way to come to terms?
currently i have shunned all public interaction with them (a major step here) and they r feeling that, but i thinks its still not enough
but thanks again. i only came to this country after marriage, and this culture bit is eating me raw.. i learnt the local language here only, thank God someone is answering me in english!

3 COMMENTS

  1. The ‘paper you signed’ about previous libel ( written word) and slanger ( spoken word) in law will cover what they wrote and said then….unless you can prove you were forced to sign it, then it won’t stand up in court….but their continued libel/slanger is not covered.
    You need to decide what you want and I do understand some of the traditions although I would call them complete disrespect of a women, being verbally and emotionally abused so they get wha they want by any means.
    The World can be a big place and you can get lost in it if you want that, a change of name, a change of address and a change of phone number and it would take some work to find you…but you then need to let go and put these people out of your mind…and something tells me you are not going to do that…just remember running away is not the answer to every question, wherever you go, you go along with any issues you are still holding onto.

  2. This is a difficult one. I’m not familiar with your culture, but I am familiar with dealing with difficult people, so I’m happy to lend my take on the situation and offer some advice since you seek it. I apologize in advance if any advice I give you is not feasible in your country or given your current situation. I’m from the United States where arranged marriages are very rare, but it seems to me that the only “grip” your in-laws have on you falls within the real of “honor” and personal appearance. You say that your family is well off and your in-laws are not, so if you have the resources to do so, you might reconsider consulting with an attorney and pursuing legal recourse against your father-in-law (despite the oath that he forced you to take against retaliation). Think of it this way: if you keep the oath, is it hurting your daughter in the long run? What’s more important to you, your daugther’s well being, or keeping an oath that was made under duress to someone who treats you so poorly and doesn’t give you the respect you deserve?
    Another suggestion I have for you is that you have a frank chat with your husband, and tell him that he needs to stand up for you when your in-laws treat you poorly. They are his family and thus, it is his responsibility to honor you as his wife against those who would slander your name (and your daughter). If you do not love your husband, you might see if either of the countries that you hold citizenship in have laws that allow for marriages that were arranged under false pretenses (for example, you were lied to about your husband’s education and such) to qualify for either annulment or divorce. But before you do this, you need to speak with an attorney who specializes in such matters, so that your husband and in-laws don’t take advantage of you and try to get their hands on assets that do not belong to them. You might consider putting all of your money and assets in one of your parents’ names until the divorce is finalized.
    Again, I apologize if this is not feasible, but it sounds to me like you REALLY need to get away from this situation. Your daughter deserves to grow up in an environment where she can learn self worth, and where her mother is treated with respect. If she doesn’t, she will grow up thinking that taking abuse from in-laws and men is alright, and she will likely marry someone who doesn’t respect her, love her, or have the guts to stand up for her honor. I understand that the decision to leave your life and your husband may be very difficult, but you are a mother who clearly cares for her daughter, and you have to think about what is best for her (and clearly, it isn’t your present situation).
    Best of luck to you. If you have anymore details or information that you care to add, I’m happy to check back in on this question 🙂

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